Happy F*cking Birthday To Me


Yeah, Happy Birthday to me! I’m not one of those types of girls who pretends she’s not getting a day older. I want to get older. I can’t wait until I’m 60. Do you know why? Because my doctor told me I wouldn’t see this birthday today. But guess what? I did and I am so happy. To be honest, I didn’t think I would see this birthday either but day by day, month by month and year by year, I got to 44 years old today!!! Happy birthday to me!





This four-year struggle with ALS has not been a walk in the park. Slowly, I lost the ability to walk, then I lost the use of my hands, my breathing is at 50% which requires me to use a breathing machine, two surgeries for a diaphragm pacer and a feeding tube, and a host of medications is just the beginning of this journey. I have seen every doctor from New York, Chicago, Los Angeles, to Paris. I have tried everything from hyperbaric chambers, infrared saunas, acupuncture, Mexican healers, Indian healers, witch doctors, priests, Western medicine, Eastern medicine, holistic medicine and some lady in Arizona who professed that she could cure me by reading my feet in the back of a grocery store. Every day has been a struggle. But guess what? Every day, I keep waking up and I am still here. I know the real reason that I’m still here is the love that surrounds me.







I have learned that when a person gets sick, you realize who your true friends are. Some friends and family have disappointed me, but mostly my friends have been superheroes. My daughter holds my hand and makes me laugh through every procedure and is the reason I work so hard to stay alive. My husband is without a doubt the greatest man alive. He has been by my side for every second of every day and still thinks I’m pretty and tells me that we will be old together. My friends show up. They show up and don’t expect our relationship to be the same, but they crawl into my bed and make me laugh and make me feel normal. Jenny, Yolanda, Tom, Suzy and Jean-Claude, Christy, Susan, Teran, Mer, Amber, Debbie, Jennifer T.. My caregivers have been through the day-to-day with me and act as my arms and my legs and I am eternally grateful for their care. Paulina, Fode, Nabien, Daniela, Fofanna and Aminita.


 


Sometimes people say that I am so brave for what I go through. I wasn’t always brave, and I’m not always brave. But, when I do have to be strong. I have one person to thank. There was a little girl named Daisy Love in Santa Barbara, who taught me how to be brave. I knew that if she could keep a smile on her face and a skip in her step through cancer, then I too, could do the same. I wake up happy and I go to bed happy.
 
 
 
So, yeah, happy birthday to me.
 

 

11 comments:

  1. Love you, Love you, Love you!!! xoxo

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  2. A Belated happy birthday!!!! … I am still catching up on your posts. I didn't expect to be here today either and feel bigger than myself reading your blogs. For some reason I want to say FUCK and thank you in the same sentence…ugh! xoxoxo

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    1. Hi Brenda! If you don't mind my asking, why didn't you expect to be here either? Do you have ALS too? It's all the rave now, you know. :-) I hope you're doing okay. XOXO

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    2. I am not sure what it says about me, that I am re-reading your old posts, and realized that you responded to one of my comments….thank you. The reason that I didn't think that I would be here today was because I was in an explosion; my house blew up and I was in it. It has been a long haul and am still healing. Learning to live with the new me has been the biggest challenge. Like your friend Yolanda, being Dutch gives you an inner drive to just keep going ahead. Every day I grow back into myself…meaning from a more soulful place. Learning to forgive myself for not being/doing what I use to do, and giving myself permission to just be….well I am a work in progress! Sending you healing thoughts and lots of love. xob

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    3. Details! We need details Brenda! Your house blew up? I'm always afraid I'm going to blow up my house. Swear, it is a legitimate concern of mine. I hope everything is going well for you now though. XOXO

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  3. Hi there! I just learned about your blog and your ALS!!

    who is Daisy Love? And is she still in SantaBarbara??

    We send love to you....and energy and positives! Honestly!!!

    Penny

    ps it is astonishing I found you! I had no idea at all!

    the great beauty of the internet.....did I say that already??

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    1. Hi Penny! How is everything in Santa Barbara? All is well here, thank you for your positive energy! Daisy Love unfortunately passed away. Bless her little eight-year-old heart. Hope you're having a great day at your great house. :-) Do you still have the chickens? XOXO

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  4. Yes! We still have those darling chickens! They hatched two batches of chicks this summer; we were up to 23!! We had to rehome 2 roosters (they fight; so they went to someone who only has hens! they will be happy!) A hawk got one the other day; so I don't name them!

    But they are so much fun to watch, and we love them!!

    I love your blog more than I can tell you!!

    XXOO

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  5. You do know how to move a girl to tears, you know that? Happy Birthday everyday Ellie. Sending you so much Love and Strength...and also deep Gratitude that you are sharing so much with us...speaking of, is that you chugging/singing karaoke with a bottle of Dom in the top photo? ;)

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  6. Where in the hell is Brenda Murphy? Her house blew up!???

    Help! we need to talk to her! (as if!)

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