A Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing

There are friends and then there are friends.

One of my girlfriends came for a visit in Paris on Wednesday. Her name is Amber and I have known her since I was 18 years old. First of all, she’s so gorgeous it’s disgusting. Look…


Amber with her daughter, Flynn.
 

 Amber, being Amber. I mean, c'mon!

See! But here’s the thing, she operates as an ugly girl. She gives exactly zero fucks about how pretty she is. Since we were 18 years old, she has always been loving, generous with her friendship, full of laughter, and is truly a girl’s girl. She one of the hardest working women I’ve ever known and has grown her company, Flynn Skye, into the “must-have” fashions amongst the “cool girls” because she’s cool. She’s cool because she is kind. Amber has my best intentions at heart, always has. When I first met Amber her parents just opened the “IT” restaurant of Malibu, Bambu. My mother had just opened a gourmet cookware store across the way from Bambu called Everyday Gourmet. Needless to say, Amber and I were expected to work in our parent’s place of business which we did. This allowed us to spend literally every waking moment with each other. We would arrive to our respective jobs at the same time, have coffee together, have lunch together and then meet up throughout the day and then after work we would have dinner together, usually with our parents. For years. Never once did I question our friendship which brings me to the topic of today’s blog.

On Thursday night, Amber and I were watching TV in my bed and she fell asleep… Holding my arm. I looked at her and thought to myself, “I am a very lucky girl.” These friends of mine are true, real and genuine. I had to remind myself of this because literally just days before I was completely stabbed in the back by another “friend.” I was so absolutely devastated that I could barely think for the entire week. I didn’t return emails, I didn’t pick up the phone and I just sat around with tears shooting out of my eyes. After a week of soul-searching, I realized that this particular “friend” wasn’t really ever a friend, and that’s okay. I just wish I would’ve recognized it earlier. I wish I would’ve seen the signs. I’m laughing because those signs were smack tab in front of my face, and I obviously chose to overlook it. Silly me.

The good news is that I did learn a few lessons this week:

1. Trust your instincts. If something doesn’t feel right, it ain’t right.

2. Watch for red flags including when you’re “friends” pretend to offer advice under the guise of “helping.”

3. Be careful who you let in your home/life.

4. Protect the sanctity of your family, at all costs.

5. Remind yourself that true friends want the best for you.

6. Keep the friends who you know will take a bullet for you.

As my friend Hollye says, “Look for the silver lining.” As hard as it was, I did find a silver lining. The silver lining is that the whole incident just brought my real friends and I closer which I didn’t even think was possible. My friends rallied around me and protected me like barracudas. This so-called “friend” who tried to destroy my life will never again have the pleasure to have me or my other friends as friends. That’s the nature of the game. It’s a bit like an East LA gang… If you mess with one of us, you mess with all of us.

You may be wondering, “How could anybody do that to Ellie when she is so sick.” I thought that myself and then I realized that this is when some people decide to make their move… When they see that someone is weak. But guess what? Just because I may not be able to move, doesn’t mean that I am weak. My mind is perfectly intact and if anything my senses are even more heightened. The moment that I realized what this wolf in sheep’s clothing was really up to, I reacted… First, politely and when that wasn’t working I had to roll out the big guns and it got ugly. Needless to say, it was a very, very stressful week.

Were my feelings hurt? Yes. Did I feel betrayed? Yes. Am I going to let it affect my life anymore? No!

Isn’t it funny that at age 45, I am still learning lessons? I am grateful that I recognized the lesson, learned from the lesson and ultimately, grew from the lesson.

I have my real friends to thank for that. Thanks girls, you know who you are. A special thank you to Amber for coming to Paris just when I needed you.

*On a lighter note, the sale went really well! I’m so glad you liked everything. I shop with love and I hope I can pass that love onto you. Everything is being packaged up and getting ready to ship this week. Also, if all goes well, I have some very, very exciting news for you that I will hopefully be able to share in the next blog. I don’t want to jinx it so I can’t say anything until it’s a done deal but say your prayers and keep your fingers crossed. And I just want to say to all of you, thanks for being my friend.

41 comments:

  1. I did pick up on that something was wrong maybe from Instagram..........
    PEOPLE GET JEALOUS............I would assume that would be this GALS PROBLEM with YOU cause YOU have A LOT in your LIFE that most people doNOT.Even if YOU are terribly not well.Please do not dwell on it........I was dumped by my BEST FRIEND about 7 years ago........must be longer then that.
    Lets chat about my dinner I made last night!I had dinner guests who follow your BLOG because of ME!I found out she has made THREE Purchases from your SHOP!!!!!!!She is a TRUE delight........she found MY SHOP when I was closing.....and made a purchase and of course I tell her I do not really want to SELL IT!Well, she has been following me and when I went to PARIS last OCTOBER and MET YOU she must have been there at the same time!As we both took a photo of a BRIDE & GROOM in the same place!CAN YOU stand it!!Last night she is saying "HOW COULD I HAVE MISSED YOU!!!"She loves your blog!So, let me tell you how dinner came about!I was at a LINEN SALE..........in MARIN.She recognized me there a few weeks ago!Said, hello noticed I had PINK Napkins in my hand made a groan as to the fact she liked them so I gave her a set of THREE.I kept the set of FOURS!!BIG of ME........I hate to leave one set behind........same goes with shoes!!!Anyway, that following week I get a package from HER with the PINK napkins telling me they do not GO WITH HER DECOR!She writes this on an OLD POSTCARD from ROME!Where my husband spent his childhood!I announce on my BLOG that I need her phone number to invite her to dinner to see the PINK NAPKINS in ACTION!She came with homemade bread and a basket full of GOODIES!You were a topic at the dinner table........as I cooked from YOUR THANKS GIVING BOOK!The chocolate pecan PIE and your GRANNY's green beans......I did not skimp on THE BACON and I COOKED Those beans until they were VITAMIN FREE!!!!!!!AS PER YOUR INSTRUCTIONS...................I think it was a GOOD meal...........there was pesto pasta and salmon, mashed potato's, peppers, green salad too.IT was a BEAUTIFUL night!YOU ELEANOR are a BEAUTIFUL PERSON TOO...............JUST like your GORGEOUS friend.Don't worry........there are SO MANY of us out here wanting to be your BESTIE.You will NEVER lack in the FRIEND DEPARTMENT!XOXOXO

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    1. YOU are one in a million. I love all your comments, but the pink napkins and dinner tale takes the cake. You are faBOOOOSH. (Your exuberance is stylistically contagious.)

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    2. Ellie, your former friend is despicable. I don't need to know the what, when or how. That you cherished someone as a friend and they betrayed that trust is all that matters.

      I let people in with all my heart (and was a besotted, most loving godmother to their children I knew how to be) and was treated like an old Band-Aid before being finally discarded without another word. Whoosh! Still marvel at the madness of it all.

      In short, good for you. Alas, wisdom does not mitigate pain.

      Your unshakable fan and faithful reader, D

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  2. Who could stab you in the back, someone channeling pure EVIL is the only possible answer. Thank you to your gorgeous friend Amber (omg she is beautiful) for being there when you needed it ...and a big yes to you moving on!

    Ellie like you I am 45 and thought I had seen it all, had good friend radar etc but I was stabbed in the back by a woman who I thought was a life-long friend this past spring, it was so devastating. It was so entirely stupid too, she was talking offside in an email chat with a third friend and pressed reply-all... so I was able to see all of the trash she was talking about me, it was so disgusting and disappointing at the same time. Is this how you felt? I never would have guessed she was in fact an Old Mean Girl, what happened to my radar... but true about instincts because there were some incidents and conversations which were big clues, but I gave them a pass: big mistake.
    Ellie you are well loved, thank god your gang rallied around you.
    Your sale was fantastic, I can't wait to see the package from France!
    And I'm crossing fingers and toes for you XOX

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  3. Dear Eleanor, your words of advice are so true. It doesn't matter if you are 45 or 15 the dynamics can still turn hurtful. I had an incident this year where I was befriended and I then told the person things I haven't told most and then was cut-off suddenly. It felt awkward, weird and very hurtful. I wondered if the person was playing a game with me. I choose to sever the somewhat premature ties we had made. To be honest I keep to few and treasure and spoil those who have gone the distance with me. I love your writing. You've made me laugh and cry. You are beautiful.
    PS I am fascinated by women who really have no idea how gorgeous they are. I love them. xx

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  4. And Taylor Swift said it recently:
    Did you have to do this? I was thinking that you could be trusted
    Did you have to ruin what was shiny? Now it's all rusted
    Did you have to hit me, where I'm weak? Baby, I couldn't breathe
    And rub it in so deep, salt in the wound like you're laughing right at me

    Oh, it's so sad to think about the good times, you and I

    'Cause, baby, now we got bad blood
    You know it used to be mad love
    So take a look what you've done
    'Cause, baby, now we got bad blood
    Hey

    Bad Blood by Taylor Swift
    Playing on my playlist now!

    xoxoxo Elena

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  5. Ellie, this betrayal has been with me, maybe because I went through a big betrayal several months ago or maybe because I feel very protective over you, or a little bit of both, this useless piece of garbage has no place in this universe, mean spirited, jealous people should be eradicated from your universe, I wish I could eradicate him from this earth. I learned the hard way that people are small minded and very jealous, gratuitously they take pleasure in hurting others. You are so correct that we have to be very careful in letting people into our inner sanctum, our family , our private lives. We are all here for you and we love you, you will always have your friends to care for you and protect you.
    Xoxoxo
    Lourdes

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  6. She needs to be punched in the face. So glad you found out her true colors before she could hurt you further.

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  7. Ellie, this betrayal, the pain that it caused you, has stayed with me. People are mean spirited and small, they are jealous and they will who anything to destroy that which they cannot have themselves. I have experienced great betrayal this year and it hurts, it really hurts because I am a very trusting person, just as you are. You are so right that we need to be very careful with who we let into our inner sanctum, our families because sometimes there are wolves in sheep clothing and we do not see it until they have taken out their claws. You are strong, your husband adores you as does your daughter and all of your friends, including all of us. We are all here for you and we will give you as much support as you need us to, we love you

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  8. Hi Ellie, I have lost two decades long friendships very recently and it was shocking. They both occurred at my lowest point (and one claimed it was BECAUSE of me being at my lowest...? thanks a lot) I saw signs but thought I was being forgiving and tolerant (after all I'm not ALWAYS a prize:) I felt ultimately, knocked down but not out. I still believe in myself and thank God I have a few very good true friends (TRUE PEOPLE) who not only stand by me but lift my spirits. I know you have many more true good friends and hundreds of readers who believe you're the greatest (I am one) and I am glad for you. And thank you for sharing everything that you do. Basia xxoo

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  9. Thanks a lot, Ellie. 1) I will never, ever be able to look like your friend, Amber, in a bikini! 2) That's okay because your post was awesome even if it caused Amber-jealousy! I have been in a similar situation in the last year where I learned (relearned?) that not everyone who acts like a great friend for years is, in fact, a friend. The strange part is that I thought I was pretty good at reading people but I really effed up on this one...even though another good friend (one who would take a bullet for me! And, I am giving him that little oil painting of a French Man from your September sale!) pointed out to me, in a polite and non-judgmental way, that the "friend" was in fact "milking me", I could not see it. And, then I did see it because I could not NOT see it, and I was so hurt, embarrassed, mad, and then really mad, and now I just think "how could I have been so stupid?" My friends, the ones who will take a bullet for me, are all still there. The one who was posing as a friend is not there. I just wish I hadn't wasted my time by giving her love and energy, not to mention Balenciaga and Etro and Alexander Wang! OH MY! xoxo

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  10. Maybe you will mend fences? friendships are hard work. maybe the work is worth the effort for this friendship. Just saying....

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    1. Trust me, he burned DOWN the fence and in no way is worthy of further contact.

      PS. This is the politest version of this response that I could type. It took effort...not in any anger towards your suggesting a reconciliation but in regards to my feelings towards the very, very guilty party.

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  11. You know what's a weird experience? It's when a friend gets betrayed by another friend. You then commiserate with the betrayed friend, only to have them later turn their back on you when the chips are down.

    There's a lot of selfishness out there.

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  12. I don't know what to say, but you nailed the lessons that you listed individually. I'm not all that popular, and I don't really care about that anyway. I can count my true friends on one hand. I recently (like earlier in this month that isn't even half way over yet ) lost (he died) a dear friend who I would count as a true friend and he is/was except he was a guy and it gets weird when you call a guy a friend because people think it's something more and it wasn't. They are more precious than gold, diamonds, anything. Sometimes it's only when you lose them that you realize how precious they are/were to you. xx Valorie

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  13. Hi Ellie, I was thinking just that; how could someone want to hurt or take advantage of you. She will get what's coming to her sooner or later. Cherish your close friends and family who care about you and keep your positive energy. It sucks to get you're feelings hurt and your heart broken. Thank God you are free of this "friend". ;-) oo

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  14. Dear Ellie,

    You are a lucky girl you have many barracudas all over the world! Nobody messes with our Ellie!

    Can´t wait for your next blog, friend!

    Lots of love

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  15. I have never commented on your blog before. I am a devoted follower of your blog from Australia. I love how positive you
    are and love reading of your treks around France. I find it hard to believe anyone could be so awful to you, let alone someone who called themselves a "friend".
    So nice you have so many true friends. Your friend Amber is beautiful.

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  16. You know how much I love you and with my Redhead Scotch-Irishness that means I have an anger that knows no bounds when anybody messes with my loved ones.

    I bet that he will read this. And so I will just say: "I have a huge well of compassion and empathy but try as I might I cannot feel sorry for you. I cannot feel sorry for such deeply rooted mean-spiritedness. Because what you did shows the truth of who you are. Actually, in typing just that I realize that I was mistaken, I do feel sorry for you because you must know it too and how sad that is but wow am I grateful that you are no longer in Ellie's life or her families either."

    I love Elena's lyrics to Bad Blood! But after first reading this, I happened upon this quote by Albert Camus on the very talented (and lovely) Carla Coulson's website:

    “In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer”

    And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger – something better, pushing right back”. Albert Camus

    You are so strong Ellie and you are deeply loved by many who would gladly take a bullet for you rather than those throwing poisoned arrows instead.

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  17. Not that the Golden Girls theme is ever *that* far out of my head, but it'll be stuck there for a while now. How terrible to be stabbed in the back by a friend. I don't recall a time this has happened to me in a big way, but can imagine how sickening it must feel. Because I don't like measuring dicks and counting money (and all the lies along the way), I don't hang around groups of men. So I can't really speak to those dynamics. But one thing I've noticed in many groups of women is that there are some women who become vicious when a friend outgrows "her space". Like a fat friend losing weight or a poor friend becoming wealthy. As if someone else's success robs them of something. You get stronger every day and never stop moving forward, despite your degenerative disease. Fortitude can be frightening to a weak person; and maybe you've outgrown the box she wanted you to stay in. So congratulations to you! And fuck her. Unless it was Romy. If it was Romy, I will accept an invitation to her house and a mojito and plot against you and watch the koi. I hope you understand.

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    1. First of all, if it were Romy, which it isn't and would never be, I would totally understand. I would do the same thing as you. :-)
      And by the way, I never said it was a girl. :-)
      #ProtectYourHusbands

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    2. I realized that after I posted that! Forgive me! Im too busy thinking about how to fold my napkins for thanksgiving to think clearly!

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    3. Stephen Andrew--I am dying laughing at the last four lines of your comment. Eleanor O'connell is damn lucky to have you in her squad. Friends are awesome but friends with a killer sense of humor- that's a bonus!

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  18. Just when I thought I couldn't adore you more I do....betrayal is the worst especially by someone we think is our friend...I never thought that at my age people that had been in my life would leave it...thank god for true friends! xoxo

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  19. We all feel for you as many of us have had this happen. But we are also curious as to which friend it was ??? But I bet you do not want to say....as it is too personal. But then why tell us of the betrayal....we are nosey. that is why we follow blogs.

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    1. You know I want to say who it is! But like mass murderers, I don't want to give the person any energy, validity or fame. :-)

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  20. Ellie, I'm so glad you are moving on! We should NEVER let an abuser live rent free in our minds....that allows them to continue to hurt us. Let it go. You learned a lesson that we all have had the "opportunity' to learn. The real blessing is that you have so many friends and your family to love you and give you strength. Don't let the bitches get you down.........

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  21. This is why I love dogs the best and wine. Cats are okay too in moderation.

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  22. Ellie, there's no age limit in learning these lessons. In EVERY relationship there is a "line in the sand", it's called trust, and though that line is in different places, depending on the nature of the relationship, when that line is breached, that relationship is over. I love Nan's phrase, "never let an abuser live rent free in our minds". Love to you, Ellie!

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  23. I have experienced the same from friends and family. it is crushing. However, those that are in my life now are fewer but better. Sending you love and healing energy. xob

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  24. These type of people I will never ever understand, the jealous hurtful ones that come in many disguises. Rarely does anything make me more angry than unkind mean people. It's truly beyond my comprehension. I'm so sorry this happened to you, not fair is it. Funny thing, last week a similar thing happened to me. I thought I pretty much removed all the toxic people but apparently not but I eliminated another one & am I ever relieved. I saw those signs too & silly me ignored them. You'd think I'd learn, damit! I could use some of barracudas myself, difficult to come by.
    Big hug & much love Ellie!

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  25. You have endured an unforgivable breach of loyalty. My greatest regret is that you had to go through all the drama. It has not escaped notice that, as usual, you managed to survive with grace and dignity -- whereas the rest of us might have resorted to mayhem and mischief (if not homicide.) BTW, I love Amber -- for all the right reasons -- namely, that she was there for you when you needed someone special and kind. She has a good heart (and not a bad body either, as anybody can see.) :-)

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    1. Oh how right you are, Rex.

      Let's just say if everyone here knew the evil things that this guy did and said to our Ellie, he would have to hide his sorry ass deeper than the dentist who killed Cecil the Lion.

      Leave it to Ellie to rise above.

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  26. God that's painful Ellie and I'm sorry you had to go through all the BS. Definitely thorns not roses. Maybe in the end, they'll have the greater lesson to learn. I've had a few faux friends that I'm still scratching my head about years later (mostly after a couple glasses of wine ;), but I always come back to the same conclusion as you, "This certain friend, really wasn't ever a friend, and that's okay". It’s interesting though when you look back and see the signs WERE there. Maya Angelou once said "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." Ugh! It’s hard when you’re trying to be so goddamned kind – Ha! XOX

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  27. this just brings back a betrayal that was dealt me, I spent a year in tears and bad dreams, (couldn't let it go). I have a relationship with this person today but as Taylor said, "now it is all rusted.". I try because of a family connection. and as unknown says, we NEED to know, snoops that we are. love you smart well spoken lady!

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  28. "just because I may not be able to move doesn't mean that I am weak" ................ understatement of the YEAR!!!

    blessings to you and your true friends.

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  29. Just can't fathom someone doing you dirty. You are my favorite blog, your honesty, sense of humor, and your style is the best, plus you have the coolest friends (and one not so cool former friend). I love, laugh and cry while reading your posts but always come away feeling blessed that you consider all of us a friend. God Bless your true friends who always have your back. Jill.

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  30. I'm feeling moved to comment...again. The blog piece itself was excellent, especially "the list". But I just read the additional comments, and, for the most part, the comments to the blog are excellent, also. Ellie, single-highhandedly, you make our lives more beautiful, you ground us, and you give us words to live by. That's pretty good! xo

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  31. funny how regardless of where we are who we are we have all at some point had a friend betray us and it sucks; I had that happen to me and even though my "gang" of three went through the same thing, it seemed it took me longer to get over it - it made me so damn sad that someone that I loved as a friend would jeopardize all that we had ---but the good news is that I did and came out so much better for it ---- you will too ---plus you have mad style they're just jealous --and aint nobody got time for that --hug to you

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