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Note to self: There Is a Reason Why Tinsel Went Out Of Style


 

Well, our tree is up.

And. I. Hate. It.

Our Christmas tree looks completely ghetto. I want to throw open my beautiful French windows and throw this Christmas tree out of it. I hate everything about it. I hate the size…too short. I hate the shape…looks like it has a bad haircut. I hate the decorations…cheap balls. And most of all, I hate the tinsel. I’m going to now blame…Paris. I want to go home to Santa Barbara, get in my car, drive to my storage and get out all of my beautiful Christmas decorations, stop by Target and pick up some regular fucking Christmas lights, go to a regular fucking tree lot and buy a gigantic tree, grab some greenery and a wreath, ship it all back to Paris and then maybe, just maybe I won’t spend what is most likely my last Christmas in sheer agony looking at my ghetto tree.

Let’s see, where do I start? Let’s start with the actual tree. My husband, daughter and I decided that last Sunday we would go to pick out our tree. Just that started a mini fight. We argued over the exact distance to the tree lot. I accidentally said that we would need to go to Chatelet to get the tree but I meant to say Les Halles. It’s the differential distance of about a mile. That is a lot when you are walking, with a wheelchair in cold weather. Gracie was wearing Converse sneakers with no socks. She was freezing. Moron. On the way to the tree lot, David thought we should take a shortcut. We ran into a barricade so David decided just to move the barricade. Two seconds later, a lovely/not so lovely feminine/not so feminine police officer lady told David not to move the barricade. This of course, sends my husband into a French fit. He starts screaming at the police officer in French something to the effect of “What else do you want me to do. My fucking wife is in a wheelchair, you fucking moron.” Gracie was in shock and stood there with her mouth open. I started screaming at David that he needs to shut up because you have to respect police ladies and if he were in America it would be Ferguson all over again.

We managed to get to the Christmas tree lot without being arrested. I wanted to go to this particular Christmas tree lot because it supports a charity that helps the handicap of Paris. We start to argue about the size of the tree. Gracie and I of course want a gigantic tree because we are American and that’s how we roll. David is French, weird, and doesn’t want to spend money on something “that we are only going to have for 25 days.” Gracie and I start to roll our eyes and secretly plot to steal his cashmere sweaters when we get home to punish him. We finally come to an agreement that we will get their tallest tree because I am the boss of this house and if I don’t get my way… I will cancel Christmas. So, David reluctantly starts to pay for our Christmas tree and starts to tell the gentleman of the tree lot our address for delivery. Two seconds later, I can hear David raising his voice something to the effect of “This is a handicap tree lot and you don’t deliver? What do you want us to do? Strap the Christmas tree to my wife’s wheelchair, you fucking moron.” So no tree.

David is tapped out at this point and already hates Christmas and it’s the first week of December. I decide that I will just order a tree on the Internet and have it delivered. I ordered it from the same place that I order butter, lightbulbs and maxi pads. That was my first mistake. My grocery store tree arrives and I almost started crying. I thought, “Maybe I can salvage this shit tree with pretty decorations.” I ordered gold balls, red balls, beaded garland, little birds and that gold tinsel… the tinsel…the bane of my existence. There is a reason why I have never used tinsel, that my mother has never used tinsel and that my grandmother has never used tinsel…it’s because it’s horrible. After my caregiver spent three hours putting the tinsel up strand by strand…he showed me a picture and I almost started crying again. But let me back up. Let’s back up to the light situation. I spent four days looking on the Internet, going to shop after shop trying to find non-LED Christmas lights. Apparently, this does not exist in Paris. How can this be happening? Gone are the days of regular lights on a green strand? This can’t be. When did the world switch to LED? I remember that I have some regular lights left over from last year that I’m just going to have to make work. I only have six strands. I test all of them. They all work. Thank you, God. So up on the tree they go. They look okay and then suddenly the top strand of lights starts twinkling. We cannot get it to stop twinkling. None of the other lights are twinkling. Then, the middle strand goes out. I am now in the midst of Christmas hell. So I decide to just turn the tree around so you don’t see the big empty spot of no lights. Oh, by the way, French people can invent molecular gastronomy but cannot manage to produce Christmas tree lights that connect end-to-end. Can you imagine! There’s nothing I can do about the twinkly lights on top. Choose your battles. We get the whole tree decorated and nothing is making this tree look better. Nothing.

I have yet to find a wreath larger than a nickel in Paris. My cat ate the tinsel and then started choking on the tinsel while she was sitting on my bed. I started screaming for David to come get the cat but as usual he ignores me for a few seconds. During those first few seconds of being ignored, the cat started to barf all over David's side of the bed. That’s a little something called poetic justice. David finally grabbed the cat and the cat then proceeded to barf mid air and all over the floor. And then David walked through the barf. Can this Christmas get any worse? Yes, it can…

Next up… The Garland Fiasco. Last Christmas, I spent one week cruising around Paris in a wheelchair looking for garland. I learned the hard way that you have to order garland from a florist. It is not readily available at any tree lot. And, it’s super expensive. And, they sell it in meters, not feet. Two weekends ago I went to the same florist that I had ordered it from last year and reordered enough for two fireplaces…to be delivered Monday, December 1. Monday rolls around and no delivery. Tuesday, Wednesday…no delivery. I’m starting to have a Christmas panic attack. I called the shop and not surprisingly, no one spoke English. I handed the phone over to my French kinesiologist, Paul, so he could tell them what I wanted. Oh, did I not mention that I did all of this while I was in the middle of my kinesiology session? Well I did. I told Paul that I wanted “Christmas garland for the fireplace.” Sounds like a simple request right? Nope, not in France. Paul kept asking me, “What is a fireplace.” I said that it was a “chimney” which is only a few letters off from “chiminée” in French. You would think he could deduce. Nope. We had at least a two minute discussion about the word chimney. Finally he figured it out and told them that I needed “Guirland Noël pour la chiminée.” They asked how many meters did I need? Oh my God, I barely understand the regular standard system let alone the metric system. I asked my Filipino caregiver to get a tape measure and to measure the fireplace. She did not know what a fireplace was either. I almost imploded. Finally, after I explained to her what that big thing in the living room was that produces fires, she gave me the measurements…in centimeters! I had to search the Internet to convert centimeters to meters… Yes, all the while I was still having my kinesiology session. Finally I realized I needed 4.5 meters for the living room fireplace. I decided to not decorate the dining room fireplace because my heart is not strong enough for this kind of stress. I finally wised up and just texted my husband the phone number to the florist telling him to order 4.5 meters of garland. He has a college degree so I figured he could manage the task. Three hours later my husband walks through the front door and I asked him where my garland was. He said, “What garland?” He said he never got my text. This time I did start to cry. Finally, three phone calls and three hours later my garland arrives. €16 per meter. That’s €72. That’s $89.11! For Garland. For one measly fireplace. The garland was more expensive than the tree. The good news is that it’s gorgeous. The bad news is that it’s so gorgeous it’s making my tree look even worse.

So here we have gorgeous garland and the ugliest tree on earth. I decide to separate the two. I had my caregiver move the tree to the other side of the living room so it’s not next to its supermodel garland sister. It doesn’t work. Now, half of my living room looks gorgeous and the other half looks like a New York Puerto Rican parade. My husband and I start to fight about the garland. I want to drape it but my husband refused to wire it into the wall like a normal person. He said something about “our deposit.” I might have called him retarded. My husband and I just start laughing. My caregiver stands there dumbfounded.


So, that’s where we are at today. I hope I can salvage this Christmas somehow but I think it’s going to involve a Christmas tree being thrown over third-floor balcony into the streets of Paris. I’m going to go to sleep and say my prayers to the Christmas gods that someone miraculously shows up from Bergdorf Goodman's with a perfectly decorated tree from their Christmas windows. That is the only thing that will salvage this Christmas. :-)

So, how are your trees coming along? So far so good from what I have seen. I love all of the entries so far for the Christmas contest. Everyone is so clever. Keep ‘em coming.

 *Something you don’t know about me? Stop reading now if you get grossed out easily. Fair warning. After last night’s tree disaster, I woke up this morning coughing. This is not good for someone who does not have the strength to cough. Disgustingly, I have been a little sick with a chest cold so now all of this mucus has collected in my lungs. I cannot cough. So, I start to choke. I start to choke so bad and so seriously that I started crying, begging God for it to stop, screamed for my husband to call the paramedics. When I opened my mouth, my throat is so blocked with phlegm that absolutely not one drop of air is coming in. My only salvation is my breathing machine that is shoved up by nose. The paramedics arrived and proceed to try to stick a skinny tube all the way down my throat to suck out the phelgm. We try and try and try and I am gasping for air and choking on the tube that is down my throat. This goes on for about an hour. I am hooked up to all sorts of machines. The paramedics are standing by, the doctor is here, the respiratory therapist is here and some other people are here staring at my boobs because my shirt is wide open with heart monitors all over it. Not embarrassing at all. And yes, this still crosses my mind while I am choking to death. I decide to just start praying. All I could do was think of Grace. I told David that I loved him and proceeded with my coming to Jesus moment. I have never prayed so hard and so real in my entire life. I asked God just to stop my choking and take me. I could feel myself about to pass out. Nothing that the doctors were doing was working so I finally told David to get the cough assist machine. A cough assist machine violently forces you to cough. It is extremely painful, very scary and does not allow you to breathe well. After three attempts, suddenly the machine sucks out a disgusting blob of phlegm. I can breathe! Tears started rolling out of my eyes and I could feel all the people in the room were so relieved and they were so happy that I think a couple of them clapped. Fast forward one hour later, the phlegm is back. So now, I have spent the entire day stressed out, coughing, gagging and praying. On top of all of this, my panic attacks are at the highest level. It is currently 5 PM and I think it has finally subsided because here I am doing my blog. It is distracting me from my situation today. But here’s the good news, I am sitting in the living room keeping myself distracted looking at my garland and my ugly tree and I have decided that I am grateful that I have this ugly tree to look at. I honestly didn’t think I was going to make it today. But here I am, looking at my ugly twinkly, tinselled-out ghetto Christmas tree… And. I. Love. It.

93 comments:

  1. I am so happy to hear that you didn't choke to death! Your blog was a poetic lesson in gratitude. I'm praying for happy days that don't suck for you for the rest of the season.

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  2. You are hilarious! Always a smile and a good laugh but also with some tears in the corner of the eye. Bon courage!

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  3. I just thanked God for saving you, and I'm not religious (in the traditional sense) at all! May the rest of your Christmas be less problematic and 'airy'.
    Keep on keepin' on, darlin',
    xoxo
    Joanne

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  4. Ohmigod, Ellie, and thank God you got through that. I don't think that many people would fit in my bedroom. What a gorgeous, lush garland on your fireplace. The tree is not that bad, maybe the tree lot has some extra cuttings you can poke into the branches. Instant lush tree!

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  5. I was feeling sad that you were disappointed in your tree, which I think actually has a lot of character, and then I read the whole chest cold with ALS thing, and I felt terrible and prayed some more for you, and THEN I read that you love. your. tree, which is great. Also, my husband and I always fight about Christmas decorations because my taste is so much better. And, believe it or not, $89 is not out of line for fresh, lush garland. Crazy, I know. I say a magnolia wreath yesterday for a $150 and the bow was $20 extra! And, yes, LED lights are awful. But, you are wonderful! I pray many Advent and Christmas blessing come your way this season!

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  6. I found your blog just the other day through Preppy Empty Nester and I can't stop reading! You are fascinating- love your honesty, humor, sophistication and zest for life. I aspire to be more like you...truly wish I had your spark:) Happy to hear that the choking incident has past - it's evident from the smiles on the paramedics faces that you bring joy to many! Julie

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  7. I found your blog just the other day through Preppy Empty Nester and I can't stop reading! You are fascinating- love your honesty, humor, sophistication and zest for life. I aspire to be more like you...truly wish I had your spark:) Happy to hear that the choking incident has past - it's evident from the smiles on the paramedics faces that you bring joy to many! Julie

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  8. Just when I don't think it's possible to get any funnier - you trump yourself. The Mister and I were sitting in CVS waiting for his Rx and I pulled out my phone and saw that you had a new post. I started laughing and the Mister, naturally, wants to know what is so funny. I start reading your post and he starts laughing and then before I know it 2 nosey people next to me start laughing but they're trying to hide it because they will be caught being nosey. The tree lot episode should be a skit in a sitcom. And the mini fights between you and your man hit a little close to home which make it even funnier. I've got to say that the garland is the most beautiful lush piece of greenery I have ever seen! The tree makes me laugh every time I look at the picture. So sorry you had such a spell last night. So glad it worked out alright. I continue to keep you in my prayers and it looks like they were answered from the looks of a couple of those handsome EMT's. They're probably talking about the babe with the great boobs from last night!!

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  9. Phew. I can't imagine a thing to say to follow that...

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  10. I hope you know what an impact you are making on my little world and that of countless others with your well-written, thought-provoking, hysterical, beautiful and heart-wrenching writing. You are opening our eyes and making us think and notice. It is a gift and I'm so glad to read every word you write. Thank you. Hope your ghetto tree and you find continued detente through the holidays.

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  11. Once again you make me cry... and laugh. Ahhh France. So frustrating and so wonderful. One can't simply run out and buy a great tree and lights like you can do on almost every corner here in NYC but house calls exist in France!!! Thankfully, you were able to have a whole team come to your home to help you. That would never happen in the good ole USA. If it makes you feel any better, the last time I saw the Christmas tree in front of glorious Notre Dame (last January) it looked much more pathetic than yours. And that's Notre Dame for god's sake! Maybe next year you could provide some consultation. Just keep your eyes on your garland. That is so pretty. So glad you are feeling better. Merry Christmas.

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  12. Talk about a roller coaster of emotion....first, I was sad about your Charlie Brown Christmas tree, then grateful you were able to get the gorgeous garland, and then heartbroken that you nearly choked to death....and then thrilled you are finding the holiday spirit with your Charlie Brown Christmas tree, stunning garland, and most importantly - your life!

    In my house, it generally alternates between a Clark W. Griswald type of tree (HUGE - too huge) and the classic, scrawny Charlie Brown tree much like your own. Either way, just throw a bunch of ornaments on the thing and call it good. Everyone knows it's what's under the tree that counts most, not the tree itself (ha ha...just kidding. not really.)

    Joyeux Noel! xo - Kelie in Seattle

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  13. Oh Ellie, where to start! Your garland is absolutely gorgeous, and the tree can be resurrected if you absolutely smother it in decorations so that it looks like one gigantic bauble. Your writing is fabulous and so are you. Hope that things improve dramatically on the phlegm front.
    Love Cindy F

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  14. Ellie,
    The tree story reminds me of when I trusted my husband to put the tree in the holder without my supervision. After all the lights were on, and all my wonderful ornaments hung, sitting in kitchen, when I hear a slow scrunching and then a lot of tinkling sound. The tree keeled over, and I lost so many of my favorite, collected over the years ornaments....I think I screamed for an hour, over the carelessness. Taking off half broken ornaments from a tree is not a happy project.
    Lesson learned....
    I confess, I held my breath reading about the choking episode...Phew...happy that is over. The garland is beautiful....

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  15. You are amazing! What you go through -- and you are able to find humor and beauty AND then pass it along to others. I for one am so glad to be able to come here and laugh and cry along with you. The image of your husband holding the barfing cat in the air while stepping in the puke -- that's a keeper! Just got your Christmas book and can't wait to dig in. Thank you, Ellie.

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  16. I wrote a HUGE paragraph about how much I love you. I love your writing and your honesty. How much you inspire me and how I look forward to every single post and I must have hit the wrong button as it is gone. I have never commented on a blog before and created a google account just so I could comment but I must have done something wrong. Anyway, can't wait for your next post. I loved your tree and was surprised you hated it. And this is NOT your last Christmas! You can't leave us all hanging. We need you . We need your writing! I wish I could go back and type the post again telling you how much you inspire me and how heartfelt your writing is and how it hits me to my core but I SUCK at typing! I will have to continue tomorrow. Wishing you a great day Ellie, full of love and happiness with your hubby and maybe even Gracie will be around to share some too.

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  17. Sweet baby Jesus, what you go thru on a daily basis is unimaginable. I am so glad you still have a sense of humor.
    I always wondered why the trees in Paris suck so much. The florist are great, so why don't they understand the need for a big, full trees? On the other hand that garland is fabulous and I think it was cheap.

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  18. I find your tree tres chic! Maybe it's the magic of Paris, no? You're such a gift. Thank you for sharing all the bumps and triumphs of your life. Please let the doctors and all your caretakers know that your followers expect nothing but the best care for you.

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  19. Ellie,
    I found your blog recommended from another blogger, Preppy Empty Nester. Katie said your stories are fasinating, refreshing, and the most charming ingredient in your writing is your gift of brutal honesty...and mentioned you have ALS but you refuse to let it define you, as well as inspiration to all your readers. So I thought I'd check your blog out (as a dear friend of mine has
    PLS). I started reading about your tree and didn't think too much about it as the pictures hadn't
    appeared yet....I kept thinking about your difficult, but hilarious escapade getting the tree and
    garland (which is beautifully done)...and continued to read what a stressful, rough day you had just to breathe. I found myself praying for you too...then the picture appeared of you and the wonderful medical crew so I scrolled back up to see the picture of your tree (how bad could it be?) and had to laugh, but I'm with you; I love it too! ~ Your newest follower, and fellow Californian ~ Sue

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  20. I'm never complaining about anything ever, ever again. So glad you are OK!

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  21. Here at 4am, in the span of 5 minutes, I have run through every emotion I have -- anticipation and Christmas glee, relatable frustration and fury, giggling at the rogue strand of twinklers (my nemesis), laughing out loud (our dog is a "forager" too...), then shock, tears of fear and gratitude and raw emotion thinking of you, my late father, my sleeping children, then relief, now calm. I'm going to put on some Frank Sinatra Jingle Bells on to snap out of it! I have to pull my $h!t together b/c I'm going to buy my tree in few hours. I will buy a tree that is extra too-big in your honor!
    Amazing is a completely over-used word these days. But you uh-maze me. Thank you! After Frank wraps up, I might play the Rocky theme song.
    xxoo
    PS -- might have had a twinge of jealousy or more like longing in there -- Paris, French windows, throwing a tree out of them. Sounds fantastic. ;)

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  22. The tree is pretty! However, that garland is gorgeous!! You had me laughing, hard! Then I got so frightened for you, Aww, I pray that you have better days! And, thanks for that final photo...wow..such good looking people!!

    Renee in Northern California

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  23. Ellie, you dont deserve this.
    I would love to meet you but probably wont. Your blog is so special. You connect with all of us.
    Please tell us when your birthday is (including the year!)
    Lots of love xxx

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  24. Ellie I'm so glad you lived through this day. I can't imagine what you must go through,I wish I was there to lend support and hold your hand. Sending you love and peace,Katrina xxx

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  25. You are my favorite, well loved, drama queen!

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  26. Loved the whole story! I can relate to this. I live in Europe, have lived in the States. I get the frustration why certain things are not available in Europe or certain services are not available. I keep thinking....WHY? There should be a market for it....there are a lot more people in Europe then in the US....all potential clients... I am glad it all worked out in the end for you.
    The lights; at some point I bought my tree lights in the States. Had to buy a huge converter to change 220V to 110V. Oh yes, I go the extra mile to get what I want. BTW I do love tinsel....you just need to know how to apply ( all should hang free and perfectly vertical) , how much of it ( LOTS of IT) and it should be the correct tinsel material. OH yes, I have a degree in decorating trees with tinsel and I am fast at it! I would to show you a few of the trees I did in my time. Can I send you some pictures? If yes….here is my email address info@empelcollections.com.
    Best Ron from empelcollections.com. I posted anonymous as I cant find my google account password....

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  27. What strength you have, I will never ever moan again about such silly unimportant things. I laughed at your wonderful sense of humor, I know the feeling you experienced ordering what you wanted to decorate. I've now lived in France, 25 yrs and experienced so many things on our 1st Christmas I ordered the Turkey from the local butcher I'd asked for it to be 12 lb.wanting to have enough left over for the next day to eat cold with all the pickled chutneys I'm made. When he delivered it, it looked like a skinny chicken, I only spoke a little French then and understood even less, I went berserk waving my arms around showing him the size I wanted, later I found out what he was saying was turkeys are never fattened to that size in France. Now I get it brought from England. Oh well, we both must think that France does have many good reasons to live here than the few bad. I hope you have a better weekend and maybe someone has a few branches they have had to cut off their tree that you could use to fill in to make it look a better shape.. Bonne chance .

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  28. Once again, Ellie, you pulled me back from the petty annoyances and complaints that had been getting so much of my attention lately and re-focused me on what's really important here. Thank you for that! Joyeux Noël to you, your family and your team!

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  29. I have never, ever laughed so long and so loudly at one of your posts...until I arrived the postscript and then I sucked in that laughter in a tight little "oh". Ellie, thank Goodness for the paramedics, for your doctors, respiratory therapist, David, the cough assist machine, Grace for giving you focus and your faith. Oh, how I hope with all of my heart that the phlegm subsided (can it?) and that you are feeling better and breathing easier today. So that you can face up to something really important: you are just going to have to bite the bullet and...buy a new tree. Voila.

    Why do I not live closer to you? Because you know that I would march out to the damn burbs to to get you a monster and lug it to your house on my back if I had to. We always bought our trees at le marché...? Or what about all of those flower vendors on the Ile de la Cité?? They HAVE to have a tree. A good one. Come on like L'Epicerie du Bon Marché wouldn't deliver a tree??? I need to look into this.

    That you wrote such an utterly funny post on such a terrible day just blows me away. I will keep saying it: you are an amazing woman, Ellie. You are in my thoughts and prayers. And because I can't be the only worrier here, would you let us know how you are doing please?

    Gros, gros bisous.

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  30. PS. Take a look at this (ok, have David look at this and translate ;):

    http://www.noel-vert.com/Boutique-de-noel/achat/index.php?catid=3

    They have a real, from the grower Nordmann tree at 250 cms for only 95 Euros delivered within 24 hours in Paris. That is what? Like eight feet tall? And they have wreaths too.

    Here is another one, linked with the Gamm Vert chain. We actually were just in one yesterday to get doggy food and the trees looked good:

    http://www.plantes-et-jardins.com/sapin-noel

    Here is a list of places that are selling them in Paris this year (including one in the 1er):

    http://www.evous.fr/Ou-acheter-un-sapin-de-Noel-a-Paris,1142943.html

    I have to skeedaddle but I hope that these help.
    Bisous.

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  31. I love your tree, but more importantly, I love your humor and your strength and your courage.

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  32. i don't know how you did it but you made a scary situation kind of comical. grateful that you are still here! please take care.

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  33. i'm glad you didn't die on my birthday! that is just not allowed! love you ellie

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  34. YOUR TREE is BEAUTIFUL..............JUST LIKE YOU!
    Forget the one strand at a time RULE...........toss it on.....then ADJUST!I have an old photo of a tree from the CITY OF PARIS in SAN FRANCISCO,today when I start decorating my tree I will snap a photo to send to you once I find it!I understand your frustrations I had similar experiences when we lived in ITALY!I GET IT!My husbands family had a fake tree which I thought was terrible at the time,but much bigger then what you could buy.AS for the LED lights.........YEP< thats all thats out there this year!!!!!!!!Our old lights will now become ANTIQUES!
    What a scare..........WHAT a SUPPORT TEAM!!!!!!!!!That last photo melted me into tears.YOU will have a BEAUTIFUL CHRISTMAS...................and I think I should send SOCKS for the GRACIE!Do you think she would wear them if they were from CALIFORNIA!!!You stay bundled UP............and ENJOY that little ugly tree your CARE GIVER spent hours on........it is a BEAUTY!
    XOXOXO

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  35. Wow, Ellie. Just one big wow. I'll tell you something- I have a enormous tree with many broken ornaments on it from years ago when I had the perfect tree and then it crashed to the floor. I cried that night over all the ornaments shattered on the floor but then looked out my window to my neighbor's house (she had terminal cancer.) I saved the ornaments to remind me of perspective. I'm embarrassed I cried over ornaments but since then every year those broken ornaments on my tree put my life in perspective. So does your blog. I have a big bad ass tree ...but I love yours. xo, Mary

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  36. Dear Ellie, I am in NY and I have thought of you every day.
    The Bergdof's and Barney's windows were a disappointment. The Saks windows were magnificent beyond words, Art Deco Christmas. I wish that I could steal them, export them and send them to you, you would just love them! But until I figure out how to steal the Saks windows, know that you have been in my thoughts every time that I have seen some beautiful NY Christmas decoration or tree.
    I like your little ghetto tree, I think that it has character and I am glad that it is growing on you!
    I am sorry that you had such a scary experience, I cried thinking of how terrified you must have been. I am glad that it ended up well and that you felt strong enough to write about it later.
    I laughed out lout picturing the sceme with your cat, that was very funny and since I have a cat I know exactly how it went down!
    Get some rest we do not like to go for more than a couple of days without hearing from you
    Hugs and light Xoxoxoxo

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  37. So funny, proves again these angelic commercial ads on TV of the perfect this, perfect family, perfect ribbons, perfect everything is non-existant. I have had the same thing, test the lights, put them on & the middle of the tree that IS the very strand does not work, here comes livid, turn the tree around, exhaustion sets in, I give! Tinsel, 1 time, got so sick of it, we throw the remaining of the box on the tree and walked! This is hysterical! My gorgeous stuff is still in the mini warehouse, no Christmas here. I'll enjoy the street decorations, hospital palm trees with lights and rock n roll! It's a choice…ofcoarse I wish differently. NO connecting lights, that is a drag. I have strung 2 string sets in blue, (keep me calmed down) hanging on a 1/2 wall in my place I am renting for now….not exactly decorated, I just use my imagination ~ made it out of outpatient successfully, thanks for the XOXO, touche' !

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  38. PS nothing like being surrounded by a room of HOT guys! WOW

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  39. Crying and laughing as usual! You know how to hold court Ellie with a good looking bunch:) Thinking of you, sending you peace.xob

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  40. I love every word you write! You make me laugh you make me cry. My tree is going up today! Will send pictures! I am so sorry about all the choking and hope that's the end of it.

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  41. You have, what I like to call a "Charlie Brown" Christmas tree. Remember that movie? It is really sweet, and it makes me feel better about the wonky aspects of my 11 year old artificial tree forever more. I can imagine what you are thinking... You live in the US where you can easily get a gorgeous real tree and you use an 11 year old fake tree? Talk about ghetto. But, I travel at Christmas, so I have to. I am glad you survived the pflegm attack. It made me say a prayer for you.

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  42. I read your words of irony, hilarity, distress, panic, gratitude and reconciliation and I am amazed.

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  43. Okay, so maybe it's not the prettiest tree in the world but it is YOUR tree. Try loving it as an orphan dog. And it is always good to have something to laugh about!

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  44. Ma chère Ellie, your tree is very charming in it's own, imperfect way. Yes, tinsel is a great challenge. One must use LOTS and LOTS and LOTS to lift it out of the skimpy, impoverished ghetto look. But who has the time or patience? Too bad the metal tinsel is no longer available. It was far superior to the plastic tinsel of today. A children, we spent an entire day in the effort. (There were 5 of us.) This required much encouragement (bribery?) and fortification with hot cocoa, popcorn and Christmas music. AND it kept us out of mother's way while she did her Christmas cards. Great memories. May your great trek and its travail be a sweet memory for you as well. Smiles and best wishes from Charlotte.

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  45. Okay - I was just referred to your blog two days ago from another blog and read your post about your friend which was so moving and you write so well, and so this morning I decided to see if you had posted anything else, because I'm avoiding my own housework and Christmas decorating, and this post was mostly Hilarious!!! Except for your coughing experience of course! But your account of your tree, and the trip to get the tree, and the garland, and the tinsel - the whole thing is so so funny. I was actually sitting here laughing out loud. You're such a good writer! You have touched someone clear over in Missouri!

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  46. Oh - and I love the little tree! It needed a home too! Think of it not as a "ghetto" tree, but maybe as a "Charlie Brown" tree? But I agree that garland is gorgeous!!

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  47. Your Christmas tree is thanking it's lucky stars to have ended up with you in your beautiful Parisian apartment rather than in someone's wood chipper. It is beautifully imperfect like the rest of us. Thank God you survived the choking episode. I look forward to your naughty but nice wit every other day or so. You help to keep me balanced, thank you Ellie.

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  48. Sending ❤️ And �� to you ! For the coughing and the tree ��
    Nathalie

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  49. OMG! How you can make something so scary so funny is really amazing. And yes, your blog has been a huge lesson in Gratitude for all of us. Right now we are all MOST grateful you did not choke to death.
    I was cracking up at your tree searching saga…the ONLY time my husband and I ever get into a fight is during the whole tree process. We never agree on the tree, then we get in a huge argument while putting on the lights. Not one, but three Christmases I have scratched my cornea while intent upon getting the lights deep into the tree (patch over one eye at Christmas Eve services all 3 times)….and I have to mention that my husband is the most patient man in the universe. The good thing is we've been doing it now for so long we are starting to find the whole thing amusing….and Ms. Perfectionist here has given up on having the perfect tree which has been very good for the marriage. A hilarious little old lady in our town added on a closet to her living room right behind the tree. Every year she just slides her giant perfectly decorated fake tree back into the closet and pulls it out the next year when it's show time. Brilliant! I wish I could make myself like fake trees! Actually I think your tree is wonderful because it has personality….it's kinda so bad it's good!

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  50. Wow is alll I can say. I am out of breath from reading this! Your tirade about your tree is hysterically funny. I actually kind of like your tree. It looks more natural than most live trees that are manipulated and trained to grow into perfect shapes. You have shamed me into not sending pictures of my humble trees to you because they are ARTIFICIAL! And also perfectly shaped. I have had some longing for real trees again, but the husband is much more content with just plopping them into place and plugging them in. He doesn't even have to drape the lights! I can't wait to see the pics of the trees you receive. I am so grateful for you and your posts to us. I was sad to read about your breathing episode. You face so many hurdles, but you somehow manage to maintain your sanity and sense of humor. You are a gift to all of us.
    Nina
    P.S. Please ignore this wacky picture and name my husband has chosen to identify us online. It drives me crazy!

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  51. I'm so sorry that you had such a bad scare. But your tree story is priceless. I have/had 4 boxes of tinsel that have been waiting to be used for about 10 years. I think I may have tossed them before coming to France in November. I hope so.
    Thank you for sharing with us.judy

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  52. You write with such honesty that I almost feel that I am there with you experiencing your frustrations, fears and gratitude. I felt the anger over trying to find the Christmas tree, the disappointment in trying to find the right ornaments, the relief by your bedside when the crisis of breathing was resolved. It is not fair that your body is letting you down. You have so many people thinking about you and your family and wishing you more positive days.

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  53. What a remarkable Christmas story! Love your writing and...there really are no ugly Christmas trees in the end ;)

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  54. oh, ellie....i am SO GLAD you are still with us and that YOU LOVE YOUR TREE! can you coerce your caregivers to make enough gingerbread people to hang all over that tree? at least it would smell so good! or, just sit and look and wonder. love you.

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  55. I honestly find your tree to be charming; that was my first thought when I saw it at the top of your blog. I hope and pray that the holidays only get better for you. xo

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  56. I honestly think that your tree is charming - that was my first thought when I saw it at the top of your blog. I so hope that your Christmas gets only better from this point on. xo

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  57. I love you, Ellie. I wish we could spend an afternoon together just gossiping and "raking people over the coals." We'd have a ball. My 24 yr old son is in Paris right now and I wish I were with him. You stay strong and keep up your amazing and hilarious view on the tacky people of the world-(there are just so many) I'm still laughing about the "New York Puerto Rican parade." You're the best!

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  58. Sorry to hear about your set back and happy that you recovered. Your tree is absolutely stunning...right out of a Dicken's Christmas Carol. Honestly, I think it is magnificent and I am a harsh judge. I know we have never met but I want you to know if there is anything you need from the states to make your Christmas a little brighter I would be more than happy to send it to you in Paris. Wishing you a merry and peaceful Christmas!

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  59. Ellie, I am so happy for that stupid coughing machine...I'm crying

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  60. Our tree is not up yet but I just want you to know that deep down I hope I hate my tree as much as you hate yours. I think it's fucking brilliant!
    What drama, all over a tree.
    XO
    PvE

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  61. I was weeping at the end of this for you, you gutsy woman! Merry Christmas.Thank you for writing so well.

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  62. Your tree looks more beautiful every time I see its photograph. And living in Christmas tree country, I have (had: see below) the luxury of being quite particular about Christmas trees.

    After a bit of surgery yesterday, I cannot join my husband and dogs to find and cut down our tree today. Because this may be the last year both children can come home for Christmas, I was quite concerned that we have a tree of the perfect height and shape. Thank you for reminding me that our tree will be gorgeous no matter what, because we will have the privilege of being alive and together to celebrate around it.

    I hope that phlegm blobs are banished from your lungs and airway for a very long time, Eleanor, and that your tree, lovely after all, is harbinger of a very good Christmas!

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  63. You did it again. You made me laugh and then cry. You're a crazy, mad talented, hilarious woman... with a horrible disease who is going through the same Christmas decorating frustrations as the rest of us...albeit in the coolest city in the world. Here's something you don't know about me...33 years ago, when we lived in Cobble Hill, Brooklyn in a tiny garden apartment in a brownstone, I was longing for a Christmas tree. The prices of trees in New York were insane at the time (I'm sure they are more insane now.) My husband, who is the sweetest man in the world, knew I wanted a tree. We were walking home from Brooklyn Heights late one evening near Christmas. We passed a sidewalk corner at Clinton and Atlantic which had temporarily become a Christmas tree lot. There were about a dozen trees, most of them straggly and sparse. I admired one tree, shaped (almost) just right and small enough to fit into our tiny space. The hand-lettered sign announced a ridiculously nutty price for the trees. I sighed and started walking away. My husband lingered. A man stepped up to him and said he could have the tree for $20. My husband handed over a $20 bill and started dragging the tree down Clinton Street. He caught up to me, excitedly dragging the tree behind him. I was thrilled. My husband turned around, just in time to see the "Christmas tree man" running in the opposite direction. We kept walking. It dawned on us that my husband had just paid a thief for our tree. I still remember that tree and that night like it was yesterday.

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  64. OMG!!! Next time grab the vacuum cleaner hose. It can suck things out at 100 paces and used to help a teenage boy in a remarkable way. While I enjoy your sharing please remember some of your readers are older...much older.

    The garland is beautiful. The tree...interesting. I remember 1 year I started over 3 times and then spent the next few weeks rearranging everything until it came down. Tinsel trimming is a degree worthy discipline. Can you believe I tried to save it 1 year??? Not possible.

    The only right shade of red for the tree skirt is a top bed sheet which doesn't help with my bedroom look. I then sleep with tree sap until it dissolves in March. And I've been known to rewrap gifts if they don't match my theme.

    Alone now I put greens in a vessel (VASE, haha...) and after a few eggnogs (or 12) they look great. And I enjoy the memories.

    TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. We need you!!!
    Enjoy your decorations.
    David
    NYC

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  65. I am glad you are okay. What a scare.

    Your mantel looks positively perfect. As for the tree. I can relate.

    Each year I have no clue as to whether or not the tree is going to work. For example, one year I decided we should go to a tree farm and cut our own tree. Make a new family tradition. Good idea? Not entirely. Walking among all the wonderful trees was magical. I loved it. Drinking hot spiced apple juice was nice too. Cool air and a bit of snow made a nice setting. All was good.. at first. Picking the tree was fun too. BUT. When looking up at trees I discovered I had no perspective on height. Height and shape was perfect "outside" at the Farm. Height became a problem. Because. Of course, I picked a very large tree, not knowing exactly how tall the tree was until we sawed it down and saw it laying down. Well, the tree was to long for the SUV. We had to have the Farm deliver it. Then the the tree was to tall and to wide to fit through the front door of my home! So I decide to take out the chain saw to sculpt the tree to fit in to the house. Not being an artist, never mind an artist with a chain saw, you can imagine the havoc as I continued to trim away. We did get the tree inside but it looked nothing like the original tree. Another year my cat climbed my tree and it fell to the floor. Broken branches and ornaments everywhere. Not a great start and the end result was diaappointing.

    Despite the problems we celebrated and had fun. We laughed about the trials of the tree.

    Here we are this year and definitely not a perfect start.On Friday I bought a 7 ft. tree and decided to put it on an outside porch until the weekend. Well the weekend arrived raining so the tree is wet and I am reluctant to bring it inside soaking wet. It will probably freeze next! How do you defrost a tree? I am hoping the rain stops and the sun shines to dry out the tree a bit. Maybe I'll be able to bring the tree inside on Sunday and start decorating. More unknowns. So as you can see, I have no way of knowing if my tree will be great, okay or a total disaster. But, that's okay, I'll just have an extra glass or two or three... of champs and the tree will look just fine. No tree is going to dampen my love for Christmas.

    I wonder if others have Tree problems?
    Susan

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  66. Well now, that was one to remember! I'm new to your blog & truth be told cannot stop reading your archives. I love your humor & raw honesty. I live in O.C & absolutely love Santa Barbara. I will be emailing a pic of our Christmas tree. I'm obsessed w/ Christmas & have an obscene amount of nutcracker's. I love that you brought one of the most popular decorations back to life! Tinsels, what?! Your idea was brilliant! Haven't seen nor heard anyone decorating with these heavenly thin strands of foil. Is it foil? Anyhow, my mom loved Christmas & it's my dad's bday, SO it's always been a huge event for our family. My mom went up to heaven a couple years ago. She was my favorite person. Anyhow...I wanted to share a fun & ridiculous way to use tinsel. It isn't only for trees! Have your daughter & hubby, hell get your caregivers in on this fun. Take a strand or 2 of tinsel & treat it like dental floss in the front of your teeth. Careful not to break. Blow thru front of teeth & it will make an awesome sound & look like you're blowing diamonds or something sparkly out of your mouth. We did this every year. I'm 45 & did from a young child til a couple years ago, which was the last tree my mom decorated. Maybe that will change the feeling about tinsel. Enjoy!

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  67. Ellie, you are so real, so funny. Something about nearly choking to death kind of puts things in perspective doesn't it? I am so glad you are ok. My sister said I should send you a picture of my Christmas tree (if I knew how I would!) After years of lugging my beautiful, realistic yet artificial Christmas tree up the stairs by myself, decorating it by myself, replacing lights every year by myself I got a "stick" tree from Restoration Hardware. The thought of this a few years ago would have made me cringe, but my life is better. My grandson said "I like the other tree better" to which I responded "would you help me decorate it?" No. Well, there ya go. Stick tree it is. Today I saw a post where they used a lovely garland on the mantel with a wreath hung on the mirror above the mantle. No lights, no ornaments. NO tree. Simple. Peaceful. Perfect. I laughed out loud when I read about your cat throwing up (I am sure it was not funny or FUN). My husband and I had a similar experience with our firstborn son on our first day home from the hospital - but it was related to his diaper!!!) Merry Christmas Ellie!

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  68. Oh my gosh, that must have been terrifying and exhausting. Glad you survived it. I've gone through some crazy things like that with my daughter (she had a trach) and the tech almost killed my mom at dialysis the other day - yikes, sometimes I just want to pull the covers over my head. You've got your decorations up - you're way ahead of me! Hang in there, sending you gentle hugs.

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  69. Let me just say, for the record, that I love your husband! Okay, not in the way that you think, but the fact you two burst out laughing at such a tough time - what a man. He is definitely a keeper. Bless you. Yes, the tree is not perfect, but then nothing is. Merry Christmas to you! May your days be filled with love and light! Barbara

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  70. Um, Ellie? May I ask a favor? I don't want to be macabre, and I'd like to have you around as long as you can be, but if you die, do David and Grace have your blog password, to let all of us know? If you don't post for a couple of days, I'm going to be worried. I know that would be just about the last thing on their minds, and I don't mean to add to their grief and stress when it happens, but perhaps they don't know just how much you mean to a bunch of strangers from the Internet.

    I don't have a Christmas tree up yet. We might do it tomorrow, and I'll see if it's presentable enough to send a picture. My mother thought single strand tinsel was an abomination, but we did have tinsel garlands, which are also plenty cheesy. I wonder what the difference was, to her.

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  71. I loved your tree from the beginning.

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  72. I kept my breathe when reading through this, scrolling down down to know what was the end (good ending thank god!). And the last picture made me laugh! You are a very strong and positive person no matter what.

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  73. Dear Ellie, I am so sorry that you have to suffer so much. I admire your courage.
    Wish I could send you hundreds of strings of Christmas lights, many wreaths and garlands and the perfect Christmas tree.

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  74. Hope you have a better day! I love your writing! Before you even post a picture I can visualize it! You must be exhausted after your day! Prayers coming from California!

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  75. Ellie, you are always fighting the good fight even if it is the cough or the tree, you are a trooper. chin up pretty lady.

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  76. Your blog makes us realize what the important things are in life. An ugly Christmas tree and a near-death experience can teach us a lot. I'm writing this with tears in my eyes.

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  77. I love your tree! I love your blog! Wishing you and yours a Merry Christmas!

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  78. Poor Ellie!!! I'm so glad you made it through this latest ALS episode...how frightening it must have been. That's quite a crew you've got there, all assembled in your bed room. I understand the tree issue -- I always had to be the one to pick out the tree -- and I always wanted one as tall as our ceiling could handle, and perfectly proportioned, of course -- which meant sometimes my (former) husband would have to get extra branches and drill holes in the trunk so there were no gaps in the foliage. My former husband didn't know at the time this was a prelude to when he would be drilling holes in a vintage chandelier, (about 120 holes) so we could hang crystals on it -- he was a good guy.
    I'm glad you found a way to appreciate your tree, but still, I hope your Dream Tree shows up at your front door.
    Hugs,
    Sabrina

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  79. thank God you are still " with us" even if I am in Santa Barbara and you are in Paris!

    I am not having any "tree"; as I am "on strike"! We had all 7 grandchildren here for Thanksgiving; all will be gone for Christmas !

    somehow your story made me feel better! NO TREE!! No children, no tree!

    Ta Dah! We are going down to the desert for a week before Christmas (taking one dog out of 3; the oldest one); and thanking God for Thanksgiving, the desert, and we don't have to have a tree!!

    XXOO

    Ellie, you have the best spirit of anyone I have ever known. Bar none!

    XXOO

    Penny

    ps your old store is for rent. Too bad they painted all that great black stuff white. It looks like a palm springs condo. It was so chic when you had it!!!!!!

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  80. I forgot to say.......thank God the cat didn't choke on the tinsel. My friends's cat did. We have to count our blessings.......the cat is still alive. (dig for the positives......as hard as it is!!!) I have a story about that....I will write a blog post!!! (not the cat dying!!)

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  81. It is amazing what perspective does... That tree is not so bad. Better than what Charlie Brown had for sure. This year I have re-purposed dead branches from last years spring forsythia that I could not both to throw out as my tree. Since they are still sitting on my dining table, I figured I should do something with them. (When I have people over, I just stick them in the corner on the floor.) I first put a gold leaf rub the dead branches but they seemed about the same color with a slight shimmer. I then layered on a pearl white paint and decorated with about a dozen miss-matched silver Christmas balls. Bliss. Minimalist. Done. And if you re-read what you wrote, I'm sure you'll find laughter. Even at the dangerous phlegm situation since you were flashing the crowd. No wonder they are all smiling in the photo. I shall share a few of your escapades with my French gentleman friend. Sometimes he too can be a moron. Merry Christmas!

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  82. I'm in love with your tree, tinsel and all.
    Hope you are feeling better after you cleared that ball of cat hair.
    I love your style,
    pve

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  83. Your posts do make me laugh. Think we have kindred ' retarded ' husbands!

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  84. Dang girl - you scared me! ~ Can't imagine going thru all that....and then you turn it all around with your seriously funny post. Are you human? I think that you are the most amazing person and I wish I really knew you....but you make me feel like I do. I sit back in sheer awe and think I want an attitude like Ellie's. You truly inspire me and I want you to have an wonderful Christmas with your ghetto tree, which btw I think looks really cool. Pam Atk

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  85. Dear Ellie,
    Thank God you didn't choke to death. Your spirit and lust for life and all things beautiful, would be sorely missed. Your Christmas tree is thanking it's lucky stars you saved it from the wood chipper. Merry Christmas, XO Susan

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  86. I think you tree is lovely. I'm sorry you had such a scare.

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  87. checking in over here with you Ellie, stopped for a break from house cleaning, the whole bit, vacuum, floors, wash, dishes, clean car, and on and on, nice break to share I am thinking about YOU! XOXO

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  88. You are so brave .... and incredibly funny. Just call it a Charlie Brown tree.

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  89. Oh Ellie your tree is beautiful....the beauty of christmas is that no two trees are alike...I so wish I didnt have to cancel my trip to Paris this coming weekend so we could have met for coffee but im still recouping from surgery ...merry Christmas xoxo

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  90. Dear wonderful Ellie.....I know that when I want something the way I want it, people telling me it looks nice, doesn't mean anything to me, so you will probably feel the same way. I have decorated trees professionally and for myself for decades, so I can appreciate beautiful ornaments, themes, special lights, etc. However, each live tree has a unique personality and really doesn't need decorations or themes to be beautiful. The beauty lies in the perfection or imperfection of each tree. To my eyes, your tree is beautiful; sans the ornamentation, it only needed the lights and tinsel to shine............think of it as a Cinderella story come to life. Merry Christmas sweet, incredible Ellie..........your light will always shine! Angela Muller

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  91. Hi! I found your blog through another favorite blog of mine, "The Gardener's Cottage." I am so sorry to hear that you are so sick. My best wishes for a speedy recovery and a Happy New Year. You are an inspiration. I had to write to say that I have a pen pal from France, a lady whom I've never met in person, but we have been writing for over 23 years. And once she asked me desperately to send her some Tinsel for her tree. And I didn't even know the stuff still existed! Finally I found some in a Dollar Store and she was thrilled to send me pictures of her tree, all twinkling with tinsel. I didn't have the nerve to tell her that I thought it was ugly. Ha ha! My daughter was a French major in college - which is a rare thing here in the middle of Oklahoma. And our dream would be to travel to France someday. You have a wonderful blog and I look forward to reading more of it when I have more time. All my best. And I hope you are feeling better soon. Love and best wishes for a happy winter holiday.

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  92. You are hilarious, brave and beautiful. You also have exquisite taste. Your tree is a little "off" but you certainly aren't. I adore your honesty and admire your tenacity. Praying for the phlegm to go to hell. Merry Christmas

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  93. Ellie just spray the whole tree, baubles and all white.

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