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The Week I Lost My Mojo.


 
Ugh. Sometimes ALS just gets the better of me. I usually have to remind myself that I am not Wonder Woman. I have to remind myself that every day is not going to be peaches and that some days are quite honestly going to be a living hell which last week was.

It’s weird, it’s like I’m really strong and really weak at the same time. Mentally, most of the time I am a rock. Physically, I am a wimp. This past week, those two worlds collided and I just fucking crumbled. My feeding tube started to give me a little trouble and all I could think of was that I probably would have to have it replaced…again. The thought of this sent me into a tailspin and it started to affect everything around me. I started to doubt my perseverance, I started to doubt my strength and I started to doubt why I even continue. So, I started to let myself go to the dark side. Usually I try to mask all of the pain, the mental and physical pain that is associated with ALS, but this week it just came pouring out.

On Wednesdays, I have a two hour massage…I close all of the curtains, put on my favorite Patrick Watson music, light my Le Labo Santal 26 candle, completely lose myself without any distractions and this is when I solve all the world’s problems including my own. You have to be pretty brave to be alone with your own thoughts. I have now decided that maybe I should not be alone with my own thoughts. It’s too dangerous.

I thought to myself that may be my little journey is over or at least that it should be over. What am I trying to prove? Shouldn’t I let Gracie and David and all of my friends just go on with their lives and stop worrying about me? Yes, that’s what I think I should do, I decided. I need to put a stop to all of this. It’s time to call Dignitas in Switzerland. But first, I called my best friend, Jenny, and told her the situation. Because she knows me better than I know myself, she said she understood. And then we quickly moved on to a conversation about rough sex with Floyd Mayweather and that is why she is my best friend. I couldn’t tell my best friend Yolanda because she is in Germany with 400 IVs shoved up her arms treating her Lyme disease. When I first got sick, Yolanda made a vow to never complain to me about anything because she knew that any of her complaints would be trivial compared to what I was going through. Now, four years later my Yogi is as sick as I am so I thought I would extend the courtesy and not complain to her so she has no idea about what I have been going through this week.

The next person I called was my sister. I told her that I thought it was time to end all of this and like a typical bossy big sister, she said I wasn’t allowed to.

I knew that I had to call a family meeting between David and Gracie next. I was putting it off because I knew this would be the hardest moment of my life. I let my caregiver go home early because I knew that our little family needed privacy and because I knew this was going to get ugly. Kim Kardashian and I share a similar trait in that we are both ugly criers. I started to talk to David and Gracie about my decision to end all of this. Gracie and David in unison did not think that it was time. After about 45 minutes of my trying to politely convince them that it was indeed my time to go and 45 minutes of David and Gracie not understanding, I finally had to break it all down. For the past five years, I have been strong, I haven’t really complained, I have keep 90% of my feelings to myself, I have put on a happy face and tried to not let my ALS affect their lives. I burst out into an ugly shameless tearful exclamation and quite simply explained that I AM SICK OF THIS SHIT. I am sick of putting on a brave face, I’m sick of all the medication, sick of all the tubes and wires and machines. I’m sick of worrying. I am starting to get jealous… Jealous that other people can walk, jealous that other people can just breathe normally, jealous that other people can make plans, jealous that other people can hug their family, jealous that other people can wear high heels, jealous that other people don’t have to use a straw to drink every beverage, jealous of people who can be just plain irresponsible. I am sick of people staring at me wondering, “What’s wrong with that gorgeous girl in the wheelchair.” :-)

I don’t want all the attention to be on me. I want to be overlooked, invisible, ignored. I want to be able to be quiet for a week and not have people wonder if I’m dead. I want to go to work and have real people problems. I don’t like this little cocoon that I’ve made for myself. It’s too controlled and too safe. All of this and more is wearing on me and I am weary.

After I explained all of this to David and Gracie, we had a breakthrough. They finally understood what I am really going through. It’s not their fault for not understanding before because I’ve never really explained it to them. And then the worst happened… Sitting in my armchair across from my bed was my little baby Gracie curled up into a fetal position, tears pouring out of her eyes unable to speak. For the next 30 minutes I kept begging Gracie to talk to me but she refused. I tried to exhibit my best “inspirational mother” behavior and told her that everything was going to be okay and tried to remind her that “that which does not kill her, makes her stronger.” I told her that all of the perils that she’s been going through with her mother slowly dying will make her a stronger person. She looked at me and said, “No, it won’t.” In all honesty, she is right. There is no good to come out of this. She’s going to be a motherless child and it is going to hurt and she will never recover. Another half hour goes by with Gracie not saying a word until finally through buckets of tears she looks at me and says, “I understand if you need to go but I’m scared. I’m scared to live life without you.”

Well, that did it for me. To see my child utterly terrified gave me the reality check that I needed. I can’t go. I can’t be selfish and take the easy way out no matter how hard this is getting. I decided that I will do everything in my power to continue to stay here for my daughter because she needs me. ALS can do whatever it wants to me… I will fight it, for Grace. I always have but now I need to remind myself that this is not the time to back down. “When the going gets tough, the tough get going.” I need to shut the fuck up, pull up my knee socks, man up and prove to my daughter what a real mother is. A real mother will go to the depths of hell for her daughter that is what I am prepared to do. Suddenly, seeing how utterly vulnerable my daughter was, I felt like I got my super powers back… Wonder Woman is back and ready to take on anything that is thrown my way. Nothing is going to take me away from my Gracie… Not my fear, my worries, not my pain, not my weakness and not my weariness.

So, here I am again. In case you were wondering where I was this past week… This is where I was. I lost my mojo but thanks to my Gracie, I got it back.

*Something you don’t know about me? Well, it’s really about David. My relationship with David is very much Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf. Like I have said in the past, we are both very passionate people and neither one of us will ever back out of a fight. However, David has the biggest heart of anyone I’ve ever met. No matter how upset David is with me, when he sees that I am weak, he responds appropriately… By kissing my ass. After our big family cry fest, David did his best to cheer me up. David hates getting our big car out of the garage and driving it around the tiny streets of Paris but Saturday he did it for me. We drove all over Paris, stopped at all of our favorite bakeries, even drove out to the infamous Bois de Boulogne Park to check out where David used to play professional tennis at the Roland Garros tennis club (think French Open) but we ended up checking out the “ladies of the night” who work the park except they weren’t exactly ladies and it wasn’t exactly night. I don’t know why but it always intrigues me how the city of Paris allows this behavior to happen in broad daylight in one of the most beautiful gardens of Paris. As I was observing (from the safety of our car) a transvestite wearing a blonde wig, a fabulous leopard coat, black lacy tights, heels and a purse getting into a strange van with the “secret code” of a red scarf tied around the side mirror at 11:30 AM, I couldn’t help but wonder what this man’s/woman’s life has been up to this point. What brought him to this? He was a baby once. Was he ever loved? Where does he live? Does he take the Metro dressed like that? All of these questions led me to the thought that maybe I should have been a social anthropologist. No time for that now.

David and I continued our tour throughout Paris driving down to the banks of the Seine to check out a pΓ©niche. What’s that you ask? Those are the boats that are docked along the river that people actually live on. David and I saw one that was for rent in a real estate ad so we figured we better check it out. I have been craving sunshine and David believes that the cause of my recent meltdown was a lack of vitamin D. Should we live on a boat on the Seine? Are we crazy? It actually looked rather charming with a beautiful view of the Eiffel tower but then I remembered that I suffer from seasickness on top of ALS so maybe the boat thing is not such a good idea.

Our next stop on the “Cheer Ellie Up Tour” we headed to the 13th arrondissement to the Chinatown of Paris because yes, I am still looking for that blue and white Chinese vase. I made David stop in every random shop that remotely looked like it would have Chinese blue and white porcelain. I told David to ask every shopkeeper where I could find Chinese antiques in this neighborhood. Apparently, the Parisian Chinese are not very forthcoming with information because David was met with the standard answer of, “Why you asking about Chinese antiques? I not a spy.” We continued our tour of Paris empty-handed.

Our next stop was in the 6th arrondissement to Rue du Bac where I like to look at rich people stuff. Mind you, I have never left the car even once. David popped in one of my favorite bakeries, Des GΓ’teaux et du Pain, and brought back to the car a quiche Lorraine, salted and herbed focaccia and some sort of delicious tart. I ate it all in the car and then we continued on to the 9th arrondissement, David’s favorite neighborhood because he likes to pretend that he is urban. We stopped at the farmers market and bought strawberries, haricots verts, brie cheese, a roasted chicken and roasted garlicky potatoes. David definitely knows how to cheer a girl up. On top of all of this he bought me a beautiful bouquet of hot pink and light pink ranunculus. I always have to remind myself that for all of David’s faults he makes up for them tenfold by all of his generosity and doing chick stuff with me all day. For the good and the bad, he’s mine, all mine.
Stay tuned for tomorrow’s blog which will be a big thank you to all of you. After that, we will get back to the antique sale and then I will have a little debut of my “smalls” shop.

95 comments:

  1. So glad you had a breakthrough but I totally get it...we all need you!♡♡

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  2. I have written 3 or 4 comments to you today and scraped them. I really wanted to say , Love to you all, be strong , that's it . Liz.

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  3. So glad you've found your mojo....you've been missed!!
    Rho

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  4. Ellie, you are the strongest woman I don't know. And your writing rocks.

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  5. Keep on, keeping on. You are very inspiring and brave to dig so deep for your daughter.

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  6. Thank you for making the right, if painful, decision -- for Gracie, for David, and for so many of us who have come to love and appreciate your important place in our lives. Once again you have given us a gentle (if heart wrenching) reminder that this is a battle for you -- and it is a tough one. Sometimes we forget -- we're so busy laughing at the funny things you write, and learning from the lessons in decorating chic you try to teach us -- that we forget how excrutiatingly difficult this is for you. For that we are sorry and our only hope is that you can take some comfort in knowing that there are thousands of people -- your followers -- who truly love you. I know: I am one of them.

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    1. I want to say you wrote it so well, everything I am feeling. Thank you so much. Becky

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    2. Rex, you said everything I wanted to say to Ellie I did. Thanks for doing my job for me by writing such beautiful words.

      "Something you don't know about me?" I have a two year old, curly red haired granddaughter named "Eleanor". So I love that name.

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    3. Leslie in OregonMay 8, 2015 at 11:37 AM

      Rex, thank you for writing what is so difficult to put into words that feel right. I join in your sentiments. Eleanor, I'm so glad you are here, in this world. Gracie, you have a dynamite mama!

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  7. THANK YOU GRACIE.........for being YOU and telling MAMA how you would feel.I do believe YOU spoke for ALL of us as many of us haven't met your MAMA DIVINE we all support HER and couldn't imagine reading blog POSTS without HERS.She has a way with words.......and WONDERFUL stories to share.
    Eleanor WE ARE HERE FOR YOU!!!ANYTHING WE can do to cheer YOU up just ASK!I can send more FRITOS and now I know you use straws and BOY OH BOY do I like to buy PRETTY STRAWS!!!!!!!!!!!!MAY DAY BOX MAY DAY BOX...........arriving SOONEST!!!!!!XOXOXO

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  8. I love reading your blog. It's straight up and compelling. I marvel at your strength and I am glad that Gracie helped to re-invigorate you.

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  9. Thank goodness you're still here. I've been worrying about you all week. I can't speak to your choices. I don't live in your shoes. But you would be sorely missed. A huge emptiness in the galaxy and my heart.

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  10. Gracie is so very lucky to have you for her mother. What a special and beautiful person you are and I want to wish you a very Happy Mothers' Day and thank you for being real and for sharing your life with your readers. You inspire me to be a better woman and mother. Thank you. XOXO Jeanne Smith, West Jordan, Utah

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  11. A mother's love knows no bounds. Your post touched me to the core, Ellie. I pray your guardian angel wraps you in peace.

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    1. Ditto! I'm happy for you that you received the grace of awareness, Ellie, and hope that good spirits continue to surround you and life you up!

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  12. I suspected something like that was going on! You must be so tired after all this. To speak from john Sarno your reservoir of rage got an outlet. You'll be fine now. Take care

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  13. Thank You Grace !

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  14. I wish I could write something as profound as this post but I have nothing that could compare. I'm glad you're back. I missed you. You are my favorite writer.

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  15. Bloody hell Ellie that was hard to read, and I m sure hard to write. I m sitting here wanting to make everything OK for someone I don t know and have never met. Selfishly I'm very glad you are still here. By the way in the UK ' smalls' are your underwear so looking forward to that post!

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  16. What a week you've had. Ellie I think you are the bravest woman. Your Gracie is very blessed to have you as a mother. You are a wonder and I am so happy you broke through!! Sending love!!

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  17. You ARE Wonder Woman, certainly so to Gracie and to thousands of others also, myself included. The world is so much more interesting with you in it, very, very glad that you feel you can keep going. Looking forward to tomorrow's post, bring on the gorgeous smalls!

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  18. I'm so happy you are back to wonder woman. You inspire me and I'm grateful you authentically share yourself with all of us!

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  19. Just sending so much love and strength to you. You are amazing and I don't even know you :). xxoo

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  20. You show incredible strength......makes everyone else's bad days seem like nothing they should ever mention...... Thanks for the reality check!! I'm so thankful to read your blog....keep going as long as you can for the rest of us....we need you.

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  21. I admit, I was worried about you and was praying extra long for you each day you were not yet blogging. I'm glad that you are ok and that you re-found your determination, not to give up. My husband had 3 cancers, including a stem cell transplant, and was now diagnosed with a fourth. It is rare and not curable - can just be managed. He has had an iron will as long as I have known him, and never gives in to his illnesses (chronic ones besides the cancers). However, he has been struggling lately, and has been losing his will. Our oldest daughter is getting married at the end of the month, so for now, that is keeping him going. Love to you and your family. I tell him about you often. So glad you are back!

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  22. you are so much more alive than the majority of people that I know....
    my favorite part of your post?...your wondering about the prostitute's lives...were they loved...where they came from...how did they get to this point in their lives...I got goosebumps.....thank you

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  23. Unimaginable courage and that great big heart of yours! Wow......Rose

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  24. Oh, Ellie. I was worried about you and this post explained so much, so articulately. Rex is right - I think sometimes, as readers, we forget the huge challenges you face daily, minute by minute. But, not seeing a post from you in a week immediately sent me to the 'dark' side. I'm so grateful that Gracie helped you 'break through'.
    Happy Mothers' Day! You raised a wonderful daughter who can't imagine life without you - that is saying a lot. You also have legions of readers who can't imagine not reading your delightful writing on a regular basis. We. the readers, are also sending you strength to help you navigate this unfair world along with your dear David and Grace.
    xoxo
    Joanne

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  25. Even though we have never met, I was so worried about you! Thanks for the heartbreaking post...it was hard to read what you and your family have been experiencing but I was so relieved that you are still here! I can't remember if I have ever commented before but I really love your blog!! Thanks for sticking with it through all this...you still have many stories to tell, advice to give and opinions to share!

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  26. Thank God! Thank Gracie! And David too. I sobbed while reading your entire post, I was worried about you. Why can't the earnest love and prayers of all these hundreds of people lift the burden of this disease from your life? It's not for lack of wanting it to be so. Best wishes to you and your family dearest Ellie. Barb xx

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  27. OMG! You have been so so so missed! And I have been so seriously worrying about you. I worry about you every day you don't post. How sick is that! But as a mom, I will tell you, Gracie will need you always so the longer you can be around for her, the better off she will be. But what a girl you have there! That is some kind of strength she has. And David. I'm completely in love with him. I KNOW I don't hear much about his down side and he IS a heterosexual male but still, he's completely adorable. And if you're up for a little crazy ass romp of messed up emotional pain that will make you smile, try reading Invisible Monsters for a chuckle. And mostly thank you for sharing your story with us--I've learned so much and had such a damn good time learning it!
    much love to you

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  28. Dearest Ellie,
    I mean...never can i imagine what you go through everyday...but it sure takes a lot of guts and courage and strength and Power to do what you are doing. I am so very proud of you for sticking it out and rolling with the punches. Your daughter will be forever thankful !! Sending you lots of love and strength your way...As you inspire me to do better and be a better person. Isn't that the weirdest..I don't know you at all ..but i find your writings more powerful than most of the people around me ..literally. I live my daily life..i complain...i'm a brat...i sometimes can't find the true answer as to why i'm complaining...I read your blog...and you make me ' do better'..erase those idiotic thoughts and live life!! Be appreciative...enjoy the small things...
    Ellie Thanks ...for your writings..stories..advice...that push that makes you be better. I'm a mom too...we mean the world to our kids..sure they talk back..and can ruin a mood in a matter of seconds...but ..we are their world.
    xo Samantha

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  29. YOU GO GURL!

    Pierrexxx

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  30. I follow your blog and just wanted to tell you that I think you're amazing.

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  31. I follow your blog and just want to tell you that I think you're amazing.

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  32. I'm so relieved to see you post today. You had a week from hell! I caanot begin to understand your struggles. But I recognize the love that holds you strong. I'll be out here reading your blog and worrying when there's a dry spell..as will alot of others.

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  33. I knew something was wrong with you the last couple of days, every day I went and checked your blog and nothing and I thought wow maybe something happened to her! At least you are ok and I'm glad that you got back your mojo! You are very courageous!
    Girl from QuΓ©bec city

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  34. Love you all....Ellie, Grace and dear Bunny.

    Bonnie

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  35. I just love you to death, Ellie! Your spirit is so very inspiring and your love for your daughter and husband is beautiful. I'm sorry you had such a rough time lately....there are no words from me that can make it better. But IF I could come up with just the right thing to say I would say it loud and clear. Thank you for your honesty, your passion, your pissy-ness and for ALL the belly laughs! Nan

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  36. You have been missed! I'm so thankful David and GRACIE were there for you, and so so so so thankful that you are there for them--and for all of us! I hope your Mother's Day is amazing!

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  37. Ellie, I just wrote this long post and stupid Google erased it! So basically you are entitled to feel sick of it all and tired and fed up. And then you will realize that it is not time, that every moment that you live and share with Gracie is one more memory that she will have when she has to go through life without you and you can't deprive her of that, you are a beautiful,kind hearted woman and yet you have a wicked sense of humor and can go to the dark side very quickly which I love. Meeting you was the best thing that happened to me all year, I thought that you were the most beautiful and chic woman that I had seen in a long time and your David is amazing, he knows that food always makes a girl happy. I also love driving around when I am sad or out of sorts, looking at things and visiting the familiar places that I love. I am glad that you are out of your "funk" and back with us, in my heart I knew that there was something wrong and kept waiting for you to turn the corner and post, I was so happy when I saw that there was a new post today. I love u my friend, we all love u and we all cheer for you really loud.
    Lourdes

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  38. Your post brought me to tears -- and left me thinking how lucky we are as mothers to have these beautiful children in our lives who allow us -- compel us -- to be more, to do more, to bear more than we otherwise could do. Anything for them. So thank goodness for your Gracie. And thank goodness for you too -- and I'll be thinking of you this mother's day. Sending you my love. Susan, Chicago, IL

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  39. You're my favorite writer too. And my favorite person.

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  40. I so admire your COURAGE! God bless you, Gracie and David; you are all in my prayers daily. On a lighter note...I can't wait to see the smalls:).

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  41. You are so amazing and inspiring. I wish I could personally thank you for your blogs and how they inspire me. You touch so many of us in so many levels.

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  42. Ellie, my wife frequently reads me your blog posts, so I am in that way a follower, too. This last one reminded me of the song "Hold On" by Alabama Shakes - you may be "holding on" at another level than what's described in the song, but it's still apt and a great song. If you are unfamiliar, it's best watched performed on YouTube or such rather than just hearing it.
    Thanks for what you do for us all! Kevin

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  43. You writing is so vibrant and alive that we forget how much pain and how hard things are for you every day. Rex and ZoeB especially wrote how I feel....... wishing strength to you in however you need to use it. xxoo

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  44. How could I possibly add to everyone's eloquence? They've already said it for me.
    You give me such a dose of reality and reasons to be grateful. Happy Mother's Day for you and your family.

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  45. Elle, thanks for being human. Life.........mine has been down there, also. You give me hope and joy and laughter. Love you. Mary

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  46. Happy Mother's Day. You are an awesome Mom.

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  47. There are no shoulds in this world. We are innately caring beings. In your breakthrough you were innately compassionate to yourself. Great job!

    When a slug amoeba thought tries to lower your good vibe the next time you get a little emotionally tired, zap it away in your mind's eye with a pure ray of your favorite color.

    Your journey is your own though. I respect that, and I love you.

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  48. Ellie, I am so grateful for all of the comments here and I know that they must mean so much to you. I had to walk away from the computer last night after reading this because - well, not only because I couldn't see the keyboard through my tears - but I just wanted to take in what you wrote. Your honesty - you didn't need to share this with us, you could have just picked up a week later with your antique sales and kept on going - and just the enormity of the beauty in your heart. Whew, tears again...because when I think that after all that you had been through last week you wrote that you were sorry for being an absentee friend...that just leaves me speechless.

    So I will just send you Love and Strength and keep sending it everyday...and to Gracie and David as well.
    xo
    H

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  49. I'm glad you didn't leave yet. What you give us...many of us are people you've never met...is truly amazing. Offering people better living through good design is one thing but offering us a chance to understand life better through your struggle with ALS, with good recipes, and a few F bombs thrown in...we'll have that forever. XO Robbi

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  50. Ugh I'm so sorry to read this! I was hoping your blog silence was due to a week or two in Provence. Not exactly the case. I could see how you could feel as though you're nothing but a burden to them, as requiring so much care is certainly exhausting for all of you. But you still have the most important things, which are likely better and more evolved than ever. Your brain and your soul. Gracie can call you at 4AM if she's scared or upset or needs to know how to make marinara. And not only are you still very much available and vital to your family, but so very much to this community you've built here. You inspire people to live better and feel more from the smallest ways like setting a beautiful table to huge, existential reminders about what life means. You give so much; and no one who contributes so much to so many people could ever be reduced to merely a burden.
    I sprained my foot (not my ankle-how the fuck does one sprain a foot?) last weekend and with the way I'm complaining and carrying on you'd think I had ALS too. Suppose I should put that into perspective after reading this.

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  51. Dear Ellie, I'm so glad you made it back. While we, your readers that have never met you would have cried our eyes out if you'd given in to the darkness, the pain Gracie and David would have felt would be unimaginable. I lost my mom 9 years ago, and there are still days when I long for her. She was in her 80's, had led a long life and seen all her 7 children grow into adulthood with families of our own. But when she passed, on my birthday mind you, the pain of her not being in my life anymore was overwhelming. She did come back to me in a dream a month after her passing though, and by her huge, beautiful smile, let me know she was okay. Stay strong for as long as you can; continue to live as vibrantly as you do; love as fiercely as you have...we, your admirers, will be forever grateful for having known you for as long as we have. You are such an inspiration. I have Diabetes II, and moan about my limitations - stupid fool that I am. Then I read your blog, you with so much courage who can't do anything to improve her illness, while there's so much I can do about mine. God bless you Ellie, and do NOT go gently into that good night.

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  52. Dear Ellie
    I cannot imagine what your predicament is like. I do know your husband loves you as does your daughter as do your friends, and that includes us. But you are entitled to feel the way you feel, and make whatever decision is right for you. God will take you, when he decides its time. Perhaps God was telling you, through your daughter, that it isn't.
    I am praying for you.
    Lots of love
    Irene xx

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  53. Dear Ellie, You are brave beyond word! I would completely understand if you were ready to go; however isn't it interesting how a child will change our mind. When I went through a black period (nothing compared to yours), however 9 hospital stays in 16 months with 4 major surgeries, starting anew each time with the whole rehab and physical therapy routine, there was a point I could not see the light at the end of the tunnel...it was my granddaughter Isabella who most made me decide there was to much I would miss and I needed to be here for her.
    xoxo
    Karena
    The Arts by Karena

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  54. A day is never quite right unless I start it with a big cry and you. Sending you strength in spirit and breath. xob

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  55. So glad you are back! I missed you! I wish there was something more I could do besides sending healing thoughts and prayers!!! XO XO

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  56. You inspire me to live better!

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  57. Thank you for sharing this with us. And thank you for staying. You are beautiful and a gift to the world. I am in awe of your strength.
    Allyson from Louisiana

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  58. Welcome back to the world and your blog.
    Strength and determination are the key to survival, and you clearly possess both!

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  59. Ellie, Welcome back. I had a hunch something was going on with you, and that your absence wasn't due to you being off antiquing. I was in Paris last week and had a momentary thrill when I thought I saw you on rue de Rivoli. After a double-take it was apparent this person wasn't you (not as well dressed). I have nothing to add after the many eloquent comments, just want to say I think the world of you. You are an inspiration to all. Cindy

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  60. Raw and honest - puts everybody's problems in perspective. Thank you for sharing. Many of us were worried. We love you. Stay strong surrounded by the love and support of your family, friends and readers. Hugs from Olivia OoOoOo

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  61. Some day Gracie is going to have to do something very hard, something she thinks maybe she can't do, something that will take everything she's got - who knows what it will be, but it will happen - it happens to everyone. When that time comes for her she will remember that when you were so weary that you were ready to let go you saw her there, needing you, and that you reached down deep into your Mama Bear soul and found the means to go on. What a lesson for her, Ellie. What a gift for us all. Thank you for letting us in. There is a reason you named that child "Grace."

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  62. Hiya sweetheart! Yes, I felt something was up, been checking each day! Touche' and I am so happy TOO. Yes Gracie needs you darling as David does too! Love he will do girlie girl stuff with you.
    Sunshine is the ticket, does wonders, those glorious rays of energy for the soul. I am so happy to see you forge ahead. "Live Life as though everything is rigged in your favor", Rumi.......what a mama you are! hugs to you, Gracie & David XOXO PS (I do know and understand how you could have felt this way, I sincerely do)

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  63. Ellie,
    The other day when I realized I hadn't a post from you in awhile, I began to worry. And even though we don't know each other I wanted to reach out, to call to see how you were since I knew you had to be having a hard time.
    You are always amazing and witty and smart and now you are even more so...you've come back to us. To inspire us, to remind us to be grateful, to teach us about so much more than pretty things and good food.
    Thank you so much for being here in my inbox and in Paris which is where I will live one day.

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  64. Your words touched my soul. Please try and remember that despite everything, you are BLESSED.

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  65. I'm so glad you're back...you inspire me to live life to the fullest every day.
    Sending lots of love, Kathy in Vermont

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  66. LAST WEEK MY HUSBAND HAD BI PASS SURGERY. WHEN HE CAME HOME HE DEVELOPED A VERY BAD INFECTION. WORRIED TO DEATH ABOUT HIM, STRANGELY, I THOUGHT, I WAS TERRIBLY WORRIED ABOUT YOU.SOMEONE I'VE NEVER MET. HE'S GETTING WELL AND "WELCOME BACK" TO YOU, ELLIE. ROSEMARY IN MASSACHUSETTS

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  67. Hey Ellie,
    I just realized...WE ARE YOUR MOSH PIT


    πŸ˜€πŸ˜πŸ˜ŽπŸ˜ƒπŸ˜ˆπŸ˜πŸ˜πŸ‘¨‍πŸ‘©‍πŸ‘§πŸ™€πŸ˜ŒπŸ˜‰πŸ˜₯πŸ˜½πŸ˜ŠπŸ‘¨‍πŸ‘©‍πŸ‘§‍πŸ‘§πŸ˜ˆ

    Such fun.
    xo sweetie,
    Elizabeth

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  68. Ellie, your unconditional love you get and give over there brings music to my soul!

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  69. Ellie,
    Words are inadequate. I'm so sorry for how things have turned out for you and your family, I hope you realise how much you are admired and how much courage you give to others through your blog. I wish you all the very best for the future.
    Cindy F
    xx

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  70. Welcome back, and please stay with us as long as possible!!!!! Love you!

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  71. Your are a special beautiful lady. Thank you for sharing yourself with us.
    Sending heaps of love to you and your family from across the ocean. Krysia.

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  72. Ellie Roshi. We are so grateful. More than you'll ever know. I think you "complete" us. Thank you. oxo

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  73. Ellie, I feel so relieved and blessed you're here! I too, like the others mentioned felt something was going on. Now, I'm so looking forward to the "Smalls posts" and whatever else you have up your sleeve. I hope you realize you are a terrific teacher! I have learned so much from you...Thank you!!

    Renee in Northern California

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  74. I just found your blog and didn't even know you existed last week. I'm reading back through it as quickly as I can and I kept checking for recent posts. I started to feel anxious and I was worried about you. Imagine that. A stranger on the other side of the planet. You are exceptional and have truly touched so many people. Fight on! We will be cheering from the sidelines and sending love and good thoughts. Thank you for the reminder of what motherhood stripped bare means. You have captured many, many hearts. You are truly one of a kind Ellie. - Sherry

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  75. I sure wish I knew what to say, but I don't . . . except you are a great writer. You have been to the gates of hell and back. And what Gracie said, I understood so well.

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  76. Your strength and determination amaze and inspire me.

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  77. Who could blame you for wanting out - you are so tough and so honest. Your words really are pearls and of course your Gracie needs you and loves you so much. Thinking of my own daughters and how I love them so much too. I know the jealousy thing. My small son aged four dies of Neuroblastoma - an aggressive cancer. I was so jealous of people with little boys who were healthy or even had just asthma as I watched my son fade. I got, and still get so MAD when people complain about their kids that I could SLAP them. Get angry - you’re allowed to because you got a shitty deal. Glad you got your Mojo back and sending you all my best vibes.
    Joshua’s Mum xx

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  78. You are so very authentic and eloquent. You give us so much through your blog. Thank you for sharing your beautiful self. Andrea

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  79. Amazing! Quite simply amazing. I will pray for your Gracie and David and you; that you all have so much more time on this earth together.
    Thank you for your lessons. Each time I check in with you, I learn.
    A prochaine!

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  80. This is such a heavy topic and you are so so strong. I admire you and your family.

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  81. Mojo followed by...How Ellie Got Her Groove Back? When I read your words I get a glimpse of life through your eyes, but to hear through your ears I had to download some Patrick Watson – Lovely! His music strikes an emotional chord with songs like Lighthouse, Adventures in Your Own Backyard and To Build a Home...easy to get swept up in a reflective journey. Ellie, I’m sorry it had to get so bad before getting better. XOX Sending Love your way

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  82. What a blessing you are to all of us on this blog. You've made an impact on me that I will not forget. Thank you. Sydney from Charlotte

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  83. Glad to have you back, you have been missed xxx

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  84. Thank god you are back Ellie.
    Hope in Calgary

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  85. Dearest Ellie,

    I found your blog only recently and it's quickly become my favorite. Thank you for sharing yourself with us...we're all the richer for having found you! Anyone who hasn't walked in your shoes can possibly know what a struggle life can be for you, and how hard it is to stay strong for your loved ones. Please know, if anyone deserves a meltdown, it's you. A meltdown is a sign that you've reached your limit, physically and emotionally (yes, I've had a few), and it's time for others to be strong for you. You're truly an example to all of us on how to live our lives to the fullest, and how to deal with adversity. We're here to be strong for you and support you through all of this, so thank you for allowing us to be with you on this journey...we love you.

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  86. Love and more Love to you Stranger friend xoxoxo

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  87. Keep fighting Aunt Ellie! I'm so sorry you have to go throught this. It breaks my heart. Even though I haven't seen you in a long time, I try to keep current by reading almost all of your blog posts. I want to visit you and Grace one of these days, so don't leave us just yet. I love you Aunt Ellie!
    Your niece, Olivia.

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  88. We will be making a once in a lifetime family trip to Paris from Australia for my darling daughters 21st birthday in July 2016. I want to see Paris from your eyes.....I know you will still be there.......my heart beats faster for you and yours xxxx

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