Happy Halloween. Old-school Halloween.

 

Well, holy moly, I am certainly impressed. I am impressed by everyone who left comments on yesterday’s blog to help that reader. See? See how amazing women are? You all took the time out of your lives to help another woman. That’s why the female race is superior. Don’t argue with me, it’s true. I hope this woman takes our advice and frees herself but we need to remember that “You can lead a camel to water but you can’t make him drink.” We have done our part by offering advice and if this woman really wants help, she will act on our advice. Bravo everyone.

Don’t worry, we’re still going to talk about Halloween today, but I want to tell everyone something. In all of the emails and comments that I received from the readers, you all say how brave I am and how courageous I am etc. etc. etc. Here’s the thing…. I am not. I am the furthest thing from brave and the furthest thing from courageous. I am scared every morning when I wake up until I go to sleep. I worry about everything. I stress, I panic and I worry.

My main concern is obviously my daughter. I worry that after I pass away no one will care for her like I do. She is only 19 years old. Who is going to baby her, who will understand her like I do, who will she go to when she needs help, who is going to take her shopping, who is going to watch Modern Family with her, who is going to help her pick out her wedding dress, who is going to spoil her children like a grandmother would, who is going to be me? Who is going to me? I don’t have these answers and it scares me to death.

My second worry is always my immediate health. I could be having a perfectly normal day and then boom! I choke on my own saliva (gross) and nearly die. I nearly die every single day. Yesterday, the caregivers almost dropped me three times. Today, the nurse almost ripped out my feeding tube. My diaphragm pacer is slightly red and now I think I have to go to the hospital. Sometimes I can breathe, sometimes I can’t and all day I worry. I’m not a hypochondriac, all of this shit is real. Thank you all for your compliments but I am not brave and I’m not courageous, I am just me. Sometimes I think I am the perfect person to get ALS because I can handle it but sometimes I think I am the worst person to get ALS because I’m such a scaredy-cat. I’m scared my caregivers are going to accidentally lock themselves out of the apartment and I am stuck, I’m scared they are going to poison me, sometimes I’m scared they are going to kidnap me, I’m scared when the nurses change my bandages (I scream in French, “don’t touch me.”) and they think I’m crazy. I’m scared my wheelchair wheels are going to get stuck in the cobblestone streets of Paris and I am going to go flying forward and smash my moneymaker. :-) I am afraid when we take a walk on the crowded streets of Paris that some idiot is going to burn me with their cigarette. I am pretty sure every day I’m going into cardiac arrest. Are you getting the picture now about how not brave and how not courageous I am. I am a big fat baby but thank you for thinking otherwise.

 Okay, now that we have that cleared up let’s get back to Halloween…

This is the last installment of my Halloween tirade because I’m boring myself with all of it…

Let’s take a step back today and admire the Halloweens of the past...

*Something you don’t know about me? I am 100% obsessed with reality TV. Other than news programs (BBC, CNN, Jon Stewart and Bill Maher) the only television I watch is reality TV. I have watched every single episode of every single Real Housewives. If Andy Cohen, the producer of the Real Housewives, ever got sick I could step in and host his show about the housewives, Watch What Happens Live!, in a blink of the eye. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that I like the housewives in person. Most of them are totally trash but those are the ones I like to watch the most. I will admit that there are some housewives that I do like...

I like…

Shannon (Housewives of Orange County) because she is intelligent, neurotic, spot on and I really like her house.

Carolyn Manzo (Housewives of New Jersey) because she is wise, a good wife and a good mother but I hate her house. So suburban and I think she might be a hoarder.

Yolanda H Foster (Housewives of Beverly Hills) because she is one of my best friends for the past 12 years and because she is blunt, honest (even if the truth hurts) and one of the best mothers I’ve ever seen and she dresses really well. Yolanda is your friend because she wants to be not because she has to be. If she hates you, you’ll know it. She also has a great sense of humor.

Lisa Vanderpump (Housewives of Beverly Hills) because she is a hard worker, she’s not stupid, she’s diplomatic, speaks fluent French, is a good mother and wife and I love love love her house.

Brandy (Housewives of Beverly Hills) because I have realized that she is actually a girl’s girl and she is sensitive.

Carol Radziwell (Housewives of New York) because she is a great writer, I love love love her apartment especially her sofa, she’s brave, confident and I think she has a wickedly dry sense of humor. I think I would like to be friends with her.

Kenya (Housewives of Atlanta) because she is brutally honest, cuckoo, transparent and I like when she twirls out of a room like a lunatic.

Mama Joyce (Housewives of Atlanta) because she is both the best and worst mother. A pure joy to watch this train wreck especially when she takes off her shoe at a bridal salon and tries to hit Candy’s best friend.

Bethany (Housewives of New York) because she fucking made it happen… On her own. She might be my favorite housewife because she is cool, a good dresser, smart, a hard worker, has real emotions, a great mother and I love that she wasn’t afraid to get a divorce and it puts a big fat smile on my face to know that she is now richer than all of the other nouveau riche housewives that treated her like the servant. In your face, Jill Zarin.

Heather Dubrow (Housewives of Orange County) because she is educated, has a great vocabulary and knows how to use it, is a good mother even though that little one Colette is out of control, she is always appropriate, well mannered, evolved, aware, sure of herself, can recognize her own flaws, and most of all I like her because I love love loved her house and I am so looking forward to her new house.

 Now that I have finished being nice, there is always the other side of the coin. Next up is a little list of the housewives whose behavior makes me cringe and that I pity because they are such morons… But they are my favorite to watch.

 

I don't like...

Teresa (Housewives of New Jersey) because she is a liar, a phony, two-faced, uneducated, married to a buffoon, dishonest, abuses the spray tan and as tacky as all get go. She deserves to go to jail. I do, however, feel bad for her children but sometimes things have to get worse before they get better. She actually needs a rebirth.

Tamara (Housewives of Orange County) because she is total white trash, impulsive, filled with rage, completely phony and fake cries, will lie right to your face, and makes bad judgments.

Nini Leakes (Housewives of Atlanta) because it is a clear case of money and quasi-fame going to one’s head. She brags about how much money she has and acts as if her million dollars is $1 billion. Does she not realize that I still see that she lives in a prefabricated brick home in a cheap gated community? It’s embarrassing when your purse has more value than your house. I will say however, I think she is a good mother and a good wife.

Vicki (Housewives of Orange County) because she is typical Orange County. Tacky tacky tacky. Tacky clothes, tacky shoes, tacky jewelry. She has a grotto for a pool. The barbecue is the focus of her backyard. She has huge arrangements of silk flowers in her house. She has no class, no elegance, is disrespectful, is loud and I think she has a bully and a member of the Mean Girls Club. She might be the president, actually no, she would be the treasurer. However, I respect her work ethic.

Ramona (Housewives of New York) is the housewife that makes me cringe the most. She is a loose cannon, crazy eyed, can dish it out but not take it, has no decency, inappropriate, doesn’t seem like she would ever donate to charity, gets slushy drunk, I don’t know how she makes money from that crappy jewelry she sells, and is kind of violent. I will say, however, that I think she is a good mother and has raised a sweet daughter.

Carlton (Housewives of Beverly Hills) because oh my God. I almost got physically nauseous watching her adult themed orgy party complete with pole dancing entertainment. Really Carlton, you are a Wiccan? Did you say that out loud and are you aware of how stupid that sounds? I hate when people try to overly be outside of the box. It is so obvious that she is trying to get attention by naming her children these ridiculous names... Destiny, Mystery and Cross. It is so annoying and I have decided to change her children’s names to Kathryn, Ava and Pierre. Her house? Don’t even get me started… Too late. It is a burgundy brothel house of horrors. She is trying to make her husband into a macho, Chrome Hearts jewelry wearing, tattooed, sex fiend but is actually just a nice Jewish boy. She’s also too muscular, it’s not ladylike. However, I do think she’s a good mother when she’s not trying to make out with the children’s nanny.

See? I told you I’ve watched every one of them. I also watched Housewives of Miami and DC but they don’t count. Do you want to hear the worst of this? Since I live in Paris and I have no access to American TV, I actually buy these episodes of the Housewives on iTunes. It is my guilty pleasure. Whenever I speak to Yolanda, I always beg her to please, just please slap someone. I won’t say anything about Taylor (Housewives of Beverly Hills) or Kim Richards (Housewives of Beverly Hills) because it is not my style to prey on the weak. Oops, I just did. As you know, I am not a fan of “victims.”

Looking forward, I do have a favorite new reality show. It’s called, Chrisley Knows Best. Is it about a wealthy family in Atlanta whose household is run by my parenting doppelgänger, patriarch Todd Chrisley. He is hysterical and a true father, husband and family man. I love how he puts GPS on his children and how he throws their cell phones into the lake and calls them morons and doesn’t trust them as far as he can throw them but loves them with every inch of his heart. And, I love love love their house. I love all the fabrics, wallpaper, bedding and closets. I can’t tell if he is gay. It’s like he is, but isn’t.

 

Okay, I’ll shut up now. Sorry about the weird disjointed blog today… I might be off my meds or on them… I can’t tell the difference anymore.

Happy Halloween. Haunted Château

There are a lot of spooky places in Paris. I took Gracie to the catacombs of Paris when she was little. The Catacombs are deep underground the streets of Paris and house the remains of 6 million people. The bones are all artistically arranged, of course. I continued my reign of terror with Gracie as I also took her to the Conciergerie in Paris which is a former prison where Marie Antoinette awaited the guillotine. Gracie was so terrified that she could hardly look into Marie Antoinette’s cell. Gracie decided the best thing to do was to just stand still and close her eyes. She was even too scared to run. I had to carry her out. It was hysterical… I should have my parenting license revoked or at least suspended.

 

The most scared I have ever been in my entire life is at my grandmother’s house. She had a big old stone house and everything was beautiful and warm and cozy… Except the basement and the attic. It was like a house of horrors up in the attic and down in the basement. I was always convinced that I saw blood on the walls. I wouldn’t even go there as an adult if you paid me.

There is nothing spookier than a haunted house but there is also nothing chicer than a haunted château, non? Take a look at these photos of abandoned châteaux in France. By the way, in my mind, abandoned means haunted.…

A toute!

*Okay, I’m here today to ruin our happy-go-lucky Happy Halloween series. I have a feeling this blog could go two ways… You might hate me or you might agree with me. Regardless, I will still like all of you… Maybe. Here’s the scoop.… I received a “comment” on my blog yesterday that stirred up some emotions. A woman who identified herself by first and last name and was aware that her comment was public, wrote that we all have our burdens to bear… She said my burden was ALS and her burden was an abusive husband.

Now, being me, I could not just let this comment slip. Now, also being me, I wasn’t very empathetic. My response to her was that yes, I do have ALS but I cannot run away from it. She, having an abusive husband, can run away. The two are not similar. I told her that if she was smart enough to get on a computer and write a comment on a blog, then she was smart enough to stand up and walk away. The only way she wouldn’t be able to walk away was if she was hostage and I doubt that is the case if she’s reading my stupid blog. In this day and age, in my opinion, there are no excuses to stay in an abusive relationship unless you want to. There are shelters, there are hotlines, there are charities and there is the police. I am fully aware that this is not an easy out. I realize that even if you get a restraining order against your douche bag husband that he could violate the restraining order and still hurt you, and maybe even kill you. But guess what? He would do it anyway so you might as well try to leave. I don’t fancy the notion that you should stay in an abusive relationship for the children. That means you’re a shitty mother. Your job as a mother is to protect the children, so grab the rugrats and leave. I also don’t fancy the notion that you should stay in an abusive relationship because your douche bag husband is the sole financial provider. Walk away, get a job and support yourself. Like I said, there are plenty of charities that will help you get on your feet. Hell, I’ll help you get back on your feet. I also don’t fancy the notion that if you were raised in an abusive family then this is just the circle of life. No, it’s not. It is up to you to break the abusive chain. No matter what excuse you give me for staying in an abusive relationship, you are wrong.

You are not brave enough, you think, to walk away? Yes you are. Women are stronger than men. Do you think a man could ever have a baby? No, that’s why women were chosen to have the babies because we can handle it. Gather your courage and walk away

No matter how scary it may seem to walk away and start life on your own it’s better than being abused by your douche bag husband. You don’t agree with me? Well then, stay in that relationship and see how that works out for you, idiot.

 Remember what Maya Angelo says, “When you know better, you do better.” I know that this woman knows better.

Do you think your husband will change? Nope, he won’t. Remember also what Maya Angelo says, “When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.”

Maybe this woman was reaching out to me and telling me that she has an abusive husband as a way of asking for help. Good for her, if that’s the case because she came to the right girl. I will be her superhero, I will be her wonder woman and I will guide her out of this rabbit hole that she has gotten herself into. Maybe all of you can help as well. If I can help her while I have ALS, you all can help as well. Even if you have cancer, you can do it between your chemotherapy. The only way I’m going to let any of you off the hook for not helping this woman is the following… If you are in Africa, working with Doctors without Borders at an Ebola clinic…you are off the hook. If you are caring for any sick child, a child in need or a child in danger…you are off the hook. If you are working in any capacity to get the African schoolgirls back who were kidnapped by Boko Haram…you are off the hook. If you are at Oscar de la Renta’s funeral…you are off the hook, obviously. But, other than that, no one is too busy to help this woman. Leave your advice for her in the comment section and maybe, just maybe, something one of us says to her will flip the light switch back on and she will see clearly.

Happy Halloween. Trick or Treat.

 

I am already doing my “trick” by staying alive with ALS for almost 4 years, so now I want the “treat.” The porch, front door and interior are decorated, and the pumpkins are carved… It’s time for a party!!! The best part about Halloween parties are the treats. No, no, no… You are at the wrong house (and wrong blog) if you think that we are going to look at Rice Krispy Treats in the shape of Frankenstein. Halloween is the perfect holiday to get your dessert game on. You can get creative, spooky and clever but don’t get disgusting and do desserts shaped like brains or fingers or intestines because that’s just disgusting and you should keep that side of yourself…to yourself, freak.

I’m all about the chic Halloween dessert. Even if you’re not exactly a baker (I’m not) or crafty (I’m not), you can still pull off a cool dessert if you are slightly creative (I am.) And by creative I mean going on the Internet and finding a chic recipe. Voilà! I have taken the liberty and put together, I think, a rather spooky, chic, clever Halloween party dessert board HERE Take a look…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Don’t you hate those types of people who don’t share their sources? I do. I think it is nice to share ideas and recipes and I hope you do too because I thought it would be fun if everyone shared their Halloween sources in the comments section of the blog. If you have a great place where you order hand-painted pumpkins, tell us! If you have a great source for chic decorations, share it! If you have a great Halloween dessert recipe, tell us! If you know of a great Halloween decorating book, share it, for God’s sake! Just put it in the comment section of today’s blog and we all win!

A toute!

*Something you don’t know about me? It’s really about my mother but I am going to expose her anyway. For the past 44 years, or more, my mother has bought a giant Thanksgiving Butterball turkey from the grocery store. But, now that farm raised poultry is readily available to order via Internet, my mother has evolved. To get fresh, cruelty free, free range organic turkey for Thanksgiving, look no further than Williams-Sonoma! You can order a famous and much coveted (uncooked) Willie Bird Ranch Thanksgiving turkey on the freaking Internet. Isn’t life grand when you’re not an idiot and can use a computer? You can go to the website HERE and learn all about these turkeys and how they are shipped. I think it’s genius. If I were you though, I would get your order in fast before they are sold out. They have a special Thanksgiving delivery. I actually called Williams-Sonoma today and asked them all the details about these turkeys… how they are shipped, if they are seasoned, do they need to be de-thawed, can you add your own stuffing, cooking temperatures and times, etc. They knew all of the answers so I suggest if you have any questions just give them a quick call. This is going to be the perfect turkey for all my mother’s recipes for Thanksgiving dinner. The cookbook is almost finished!

Happy Halloween. Non-crappy Halloween Decor.

I wanted to start today’s blog with a big  Merci! Thank you to everyone who leaves fun, funny, smart, encouraging, informative comments. And thank you for sharing part of yourself with me. I read every single comment and then I read them to my husband to make him jealous that I have more friends than him. I do consider you all friends and I am so happy that you enjoy the blog. Even though I cannot reply to the comments because my energy and breath are limited, I love reading your thoughts every day. I need to save my energy and breath to raise my daughter and scream at her a little to stand up straighter and to not walk around Paris with a hole in her tights. This may sound corny, but for me, writing this blog gives me a purpose. So, thank you to everyone who reads the blog, thank you to everyone who pops over from other blogs, thank you to everyone who shares my blogs with their friends and just thank you for putting a smile on my face every day with your comments. Keep ‘em coming!

Today, let’s step through the porch, past the front door and go inside of the house for Halloween…

It is entirely possible to decorate the inside of your house for Halloween without it looking corny. You just have to use a little imagination and remember that this is your house, not your four-year-old’s preschool. Even though I realize that this is mainly a holiday for children, it’s never too early to teach them a little style. There is enough tackiness in the world already… Real Housewives of New Jersey, red carnations, jeggings, platform heels, Jane Seymour’s furniture collection, Ugg boots, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford (I am sorry that he has cancer now…but he is still tacky. Kind of like I have ALS but I’m still a bitch), gladiator sandals, faux antiques, oversized headboards, cheese dip, taking pictures of oneself getting on a chartered private plane, grotto pools, anything Swarovski crystal, and not saying please and thank you. Let’s do our part for the world and exercise good taste. It’s the least we can do, right? Take a look at some of these examples of chic interior Halloween decor.…

 

 

To see some more great examples of chic Halloween interior decor, check out my Pinterest board HERE.

*Something you don’t know about me? Okay okay okay, I’m not promising anything but I have been working on a cookbook this past week. If I can pull this off, it will be available soon. I thought it would be really fun to do a quick cookbook of just my mother’s Thanksgiving recipes. She is famous for her Thanksgiving dinners so much so that people fight for a seat at her dinner table. Since I cannot invite everyone this year because I am in stupid Paris with no Thanksgiving culture, I thought it would be fun to share her recipes with the world. My mother has been cooking her entire life, taught private cooking classes, had a gourmet cookware/gourmet food shop and was the chairwoman of the Los Angeles Junior League cookbook committee in the 80s, so she definitely has some “street cred.” But relax, even though my mother is from a hoity-toity family, her cooking is quite the opposite. Yes, she can do all the fancy stuff, but what we all love about her cooking is when she cooks “real food.” I think everyone will really like the cookbook. You’ll laugh… because the way my mother describes things is so hillbilly. For example, for the green bean recipe she tells you to cook the green beans until they are “dead with no vitamins.” You’ll cry…with tears of happiness because finally Thanksgiving dinner is approachable. You’ll beg for more…Because the recipes are tried and true and full of flavor…You will be going back for seconds and thirds. So keep your fingers crossed that I can pull this off with the help of my illiterate caregivers who have never seen a printer, let alone a scanner.

Happy Halloween. A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Pumpkin Patch...

I got lost on the way to the pumpkin patch in Paris this weekend and so much happened!

Bright and early, Saturday morning, my caregivers put Humpty Dumpty (me) together in a cute little outfit, brushed my hair into a nice little bun, plopped me in my wheelchair and tucked a petite cashmere hot water bottle underneath my cashmere lap blanket and rolled me out to the elevator where my husband was impatiently waiting for me. My husband hates putting me in the elevator because it is teeny tiny and he is gigantic and my wheelchair is obnoxious. I always laugh as he rolls his eyes at me every single time we are in the elevator because I know that he is still mad that I told him before we rented this apartment that the elevator was huge. It was a total lie but I really wanted this apartment. He signed the lease before he ever saw the apartment in person and the first day we moved in, he saw the size of the elevator and almost shot me in the face. The elevator is so small it will not fit a fat person with groceries, let alone two adults and a wheelchair. So after a lot of huffing and puffing and swearing at each other, we managed to descend the three floors to the lobby. And guess what! The French vanishing neighbors were there!

 I literally could not get my words out fast enough telling David in a rapidfire procession to ask them ( in French) every question I could think of… “Ask them where they have been. Ask them if they are feeling okay. Tell them I was worried about them. Ask them why they left for so long. Tell them I’m so happy they’re not dead.”

I finally got all the answers! Here’s the scoop… They leave Paris every year in the spring to go to their country house. And by country house, I mean their château in Provence. Lucky ducks. They spend all of spring and summer with their family there. They said they are feeling okay, just getting older and thanked me for all of my concern. They patted me on the head and on my hands and always say, “Bon courage.” And then the funniest thing happened… David accidentally ran over Madame Neighbor’s little old lady foot with my wheelchair! It took everything inside of me not to burst out laughing. It was so awful and so typical of my husband because he’s the worst wheelchair driver in France. We apologized profusely as they hobbled up the stairs and off we went like assholes into the beautiful autumn weather of Paris.

 Just outside of our apartment is always our neighborhood homeless gentleman. He is an artist and as polite as all get go. He always says to me, “ Que Dieu vous bénisse (God bless you).”

We took a new sidestreet and lo and behold, what do I see? The grand opening of a Japanese grocery store. It was jampacked with Japanese people filling their baskets as fast as they could, like there was going to be a tornado or a riot and they had better stock up. We fought our way through the aisles and discovered mecca. It was like a Japanese Gelson’s! Sesame oils, Japanese vinaigrette, fresh ahi tuna, miso paste, gyozas, fresh lemongrass, gourmet saki, frozen mochi desserts, an entire row of green tea, an entire row of different types of soy sauce, enokitake mushrooms… Pure heaven! We found that but still had not made it to the pumpkin patch.

 Continuing on, we ventured into our local Monoprix which is basically the French version of Target, but with the grocery store included. You can buy cashmere sweaters (which I did), chic pajamas (which I did), makeup, chocolates, laundry detergent, and everything for the American chili dinner we had decided to make in honor of the fall day. There is no such thing as orange cheddar cheese or sour cream in France so we had to substitute that with gourmet white cheddar and crème fraîche. Life doesn’t suck in Paris. We found all of that but still had not made it to the pumpkin patch.

Since the weather was so beautiful and I was so cozy, we decided to keep walking before we went to the pumpkin patch. And as luck would have it, the most delectable macaroon shop, Pierre Hermé was open on a weekend! I know this might be sacrilegious to say in Paris, but I hate macaroons. They are just not my thing so I head straight to the chocolate section. My husband knows how happy chocolates make me so he lets me choose any and every chocolate that I want… So I did. Chocolates with blackcurrant, chocolates with three different types of vanilla, chocolates with toasted sesame seeds, chocolates with green tea, chocolates with raspberry… Pure heaven. We found that but still have not made it to the pumpkin patch.

So here we are, the weekend is over, and I still do not have a freaking pumpkin. All I want is one pumpkin that I can carve with a loathing Parisian smirk on its face, put a beret on its head and a cigarette in its mouth because we are in France, for God’s sake. No such luck for me… but for you, I have compiled a rather chic collection of pumpkins for inspiration because I’m sure you have readily available, readily accessible pumpkins. I will have to wait until I move back to America to get a pumpkin, evidently, but take a look at these in the meantime…

 

 

If you would like some more inspiration, check out my Pinterest Halloween pumpkin board HERE.

 

*Something you don’t know about me? My daughter is the sweetest, kindest, most polite, demure young lady to everyone in the entire world…Except me. Here’s a sampling of some of the things my delightful daughter said to me this week: “Do you have to narrate your entire life to me?” “Do you ever run out of words to say?” “Your emails to me are excessive.” “Don’t wear hightops. You’re an adult.” “If you pass away, I don’t want all of your stuff. Just certain things.” “Can you get cosmetic surgery even though you have ALS because you need an eye lift.” “I don’t need your advice because I already know everything, but can I have two euros for the Metro and can you buy me a blender because I want to make smoothies.”

 It is not lost on me that Gracie behaves this way towards me because she knows she can, she feels comfortable and I usually don’t do anything about it. But I decided there is something I can do about it… Gracie now has a boyfriend, so all bets are off because I know she would be mortified if I ever, ever said anything or did anything to embarrass her. Gracie and her boyfriend are coming over for dinner this week and I think I will start by showing her French boyfriend a picture of Gracie when she was four years old, dressed up as her life-size Barbie and I will conclude with the photo of her with her purple braces. And just in case that isn't working, next up will be the picture of Gracie when she cut all of her bangs off. Gracie doesn’t need therapy, she needs humiliation. I’m such a good mother.