“You might be pretty but this is my city.” Ladies of London

 

*If you haven’t watched Ladies of London, do so now so we can discuss. Start with Season One and come back when you are up to date with Season Two.

It is a well-known fact that I’m completely obsessed with reality TV. I can barely watch regular TV and I think I could literally host a television show about anything on the Bravo network so if Andy Cohen ever gets the stomach flu, I could be his substitute at a moment’s notice. It’s sad and magnificent at the same time. My friends and I have full in-depth conversations about our favorite shows and then we feel like losers but we continue watching anyway. Hell, why not? It’s not like I don’t read books also! (Mostly cookbooks.) The good news is that the only American station I have in Paris is CNN so I get my forced daily dose of current events so don’t worry. By the way, I am most likely going to make the effort to vote for Donald Trump from all the way overseas… Just for fun. What do I care, I live in France. It will be like a whole new reality show. I watch Hulu as well but Hulu has American commercials and watching ads for Totino’s pizza rolls and Jack-in-the-Box greasy tacos and jalapeño poppers is just making me homesick and sad so I have to limit my time on Hulu.

I am getting a bit weary with The Housewives. They’re not rich enough anymore and I’m getting bored. And no one has slapped anyone in a very long time. But don’t get me wrong, I still watch every episode and my daughter and I are currently binge watching the Real Housewives of New York starting with Season One. I scared myself the other day because I realized that Kelly Bensimon and I have similar personalities. #ScaryIsland.

So, when Ladies of London began Season Two I was as thrilled as all get go. Finally, some class. Ha ha ha, I’m laughing as I write that but we have to admit that it is a step up from Ramona’s Pinot Grigio, Vicki’s fake flowers, Tamra’s white trash gym, Teresa’s prison sentence, Nene thinking that she’s rich but still lives in a subdivision, Countess Lou Anne’s turquoise statement necklaces, Brandy’s rental houses and Kyle’s faux St. Tropez white parties in her backyard.

Ladies of London makes me want to live in London so badly. It’s all cozy, tea time, turtleneck sweaters and fireplaces. It makes me want to go to the Chelsea Flower Show, inherit a country house and hire Amanda Brooks “to do the yard.” And whoever wrote the Ladies of London theme song is genius.

I am even going to go out on a limb and say that I like Ladies of London better than all the Housewives combined. Even if the Ladies of London argue, at least there’s a slightly intelligent conversation behind it except when Jules cried about Caroline telling her that she didn’t do a headstand as fast as Caroline. And I don’t give a shit if she has hypersensitive whatever. For fucks sake, get a grip and learn how to make hot chocolate by the way. Your children will thank you.

You know how everyone resonates with certain characters. Like on Sex and the City, which character describes you best? Or are you a combination? I am a combination of Carrie and Charlotte. On Ladies of London, I think I’m a combination of Caroline, Caroline and Annabelle.

Caroline Stanbury. My favorite character. I call them characters because I don’t actually think that they are real. I used to think she’s fat but she’s not, she’s actually super skinny, it’s just that her head, lips and ego are so big and that’s exactly what I like about her. In my delusional fictional life, Caroline S. and I are besties except that I hate the decor of her house but don’t tell her I said that. And by the way, if she is so rich, why isn’t her sweet husband financially bailing out her company, Gift Library, that is about to tank? #JustAsking.

Caroline Stanbury

 

Caroline Fleming I love because she can decorate, cook, dress and doesn’t give two fucks about anything. She doesn’t have to because she is Danish royalty. I do like how she gives everyone very genuine and real hugs. My favorite thing about her so far was when she just talked right over her therapist during her session. We both have a common love of coconut oil but I only use it for cooking. And I absolutely adore the way she doesn’t answer her doorbell until about the fourth ring after she’s finished everything she was doing. And honestly, I have never seen better blonde hair in my entire life. #Jealous

Caroline Fleming

 

Marissa. Hate. Everything. About. Her. My entire body cringes when I hear her fake English accent. Except that I love that she probably writes handwritten thank you notes and probably has everything monogrammed. I do like her husband a lot. He seems sweet and supportive of her hotdog dreams. #IWouldBullyHerInAmerica

Marissa

 

Juliet. Besides the fact that I cannot tell her apart from Jill Kargman, I can’t tell if I like her or not. No, I just made up my mind. I don’t like her. She’s a brown noser and I don’t think she truly expresses her real feelings because she’s afraid of Caroline S. I do, however, adore her little daughter Georgina. I wish they would just replace Juliet with her little girl as a main character. #AnnoyingAsFuck

Juliet

 



Jules. This is the girl that I relate to the least. She literally has no balls even if she bakes balls. My friend LC described her best: “…About that, yoga girl cries (and JESUS what an ugly crier, stop already!) and everyone is appalled.  Would you cry if your husband was going to inherit Mapperton?  No.  I mean, we'd cry about the bills, but fuck that we'd be cajoling, stealing or whatever we had to do to get that Green Chinoiserie Bedroom back up to speed.  For fucks sake.” #TooSensitive

 

Julie

 

Annabelle. Love because first of all my grandmother’s name was Annabelle and secondly I like her because she’s cool. I imagine she and I would be friends and at a fancy party we would sneak away and smoke ciggies and talk about everyone we hate at the party. I would probably spend the night at her house sometimes because she probably has cozy English bedding. And I like her grandma. #PerfectBangs

Annabelle

 

Caroline Stanbury’s sister-in-law, Sophie. Might be my favorite person on earth. Quite clearly a functioning alcoholic, smoking cigs outside of restaurants in the freezing cold London weather, only wants to have fun and has drop dead hair with brilliant layers and phenomenal eyebrows. #WhatMoreDoYouWantOutOfAWoman

 

Sophie

 

So those are my shallow thoughts of the day. Sorry and you’re welcome.

*Something you don’t know about me? It’s funny. In the summer of 2011, Yolanda and David Foster invited me to a hoity-toity party in the Hamptons. After I had just been introduced to former president Bill Clinton, I turned around and standing behind me was Kelly Bensimon waiting to be introduced to Mr. Clinton. All of a sudden I said, “Mr. Clinton, I would like you to meet my friend, Kelly.” Swear to God. I totally forgot that Kelly wasn’t my friend and that I only know her from the television! Isn’t that funny!

Happy Halloween. Old-school Halloween.

 

Well, holy moly, I am certainly impressed. I am impressed by everyone who left comments on yesterday’s blog to help that reader. See? See how amazing women are? You all took the time out of your lives to help another woman. That’s why the female race is superior. Don’t argue with me, it’s true. I hope this woman takes our advice and frees herself but we need to remember that “You can lead a camel to water but you can’t make him drink.” We have done our part by offering advice and if this woman really wants help, she will act on our advice. Bravo everyone.

Don’t worry, we’re still going to talk about Halloween today, but I want to tell everyone something. In all of the emails and comments that I received from the readers, you all say how brave I am and how courageous I am etc. etc. etc. Here’s the thing…. I am not. I am the furthest thing from brave and the furthest thing from courageous. I am scared every morning when I wake up until I go to sleep. I worry about everything. I stress, I panic and I worry.

My main concern is obviously my daughter. I worry that after I pass away no one will care for her like I do. She is only 19 years old. Who is going to baby her, who will understand her like I do, who will she go to when she needs help, who is going to take her shopping, who is going to watch Modern Family with her, who is going to help her pick out her wedding dress, who is going to spoil her children like a grandmother would, who is going to be me? Who is going to me? I don’t have these answers and it scares me to death.

My second worry is always my immediate health. I could be having a perfectly normal day and then boom! I choke on my own saliva (gross) and nearly die. I nearly die every single day. Yesterday, the caregivers almost dropped me three times. Today, the nurse almost ripped out my feeding tube. My diaphragm pacer is slightly red and now I think I have to go to the hospital. Sometimes I can breathe, sometimes I can’t and all day I worry. I’m not a hypochondriac, all of this shit is real. Thank you all for your compliments but I am not brave and I’m not courageous, I am just me. Sometimes I think I am the perfect person to get ALS because I can handle it but sometimes I think I am the worst person to get ALS because I’m such a scaredy-cat. I’m scared my caregivers are going to accidentally lock themselves out of the apartment and I am stuck, I’m scared they are going to poison me, sometimes I’m scared they are going to kidnap me, I’m scared when the nurses change my bandages (I scream in French, “don’t touch me.”) and they think I’m crazy. I’m scared my wheelchair wheels are going to get stuck in the cobblestone streets of Paris and I am going to go flying forward and smash my moneymaker. :-) I am afraid when we take a walk on the crowded streets of Paris that some idiot is going to burn me with their cigarette. I am pretty sure every day I’m going into cardiac arrest. Are you getting the picture now about how not brave and how not courageous I am. I am a big fat baby but thank you for thinking otherwise.

 Okay, now that we have that cleared up let’s get back to Halloween…

This is the last installment of my Halloween tirade because I’m boring myself with all of it…

Let’s take a step back today and admire the Halloweens of the past...

*Something you don’t know about me? I am 100% obsessed with reality TV. Other than news programs (BBC, CNN, Jon Stewart and Bill Maher) the only television I watch is reality TV. I have watched every single episode of every single Real Housewives. If Andy Cohen, the producer of the Real Housewives, ever got sick I could step in and host his show about the housewives, Watch What Happens Live!, in a blink of the eye. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that I like the housewives in person. Most of them are totally trash but those are the ones I like to watch the most. I will admit that there are some housewives that I do like...

I like…

Shannon (Housewives of Orange County) because she is intelligent, neurotic, spot on and I really like her house.

Carolyn Manzo (Housewives of New Jersey) because she is wise, a good wife and a good mother but I hate her house. So suburban and I think she might be a hoarder.

Yolanda H Foster (Housewives of Beverly Hills) because she is one of my best friends for the past 12 years and because she is blunt, honest (even if the truth hurts) and one of the best mothers I’ve ever seen and she dresses really well. Yolanda is your friend because she wants to be not because she has to be. If she hates you, you’ll know it. She also has a great sense of humor.

Lisa Vanderpump (Housewives of Beverly Hills) because she is a hard worker, she’s not stupid, she’s diplomatic, speaks fluent French, is a good mother and wife and I love love love her house.

Brandy (Housewives of Beverly Hills) because I have realized that she is actually a girl’s girl and she is sensitive.

Carol Radziwell (Housewives of New York) because she is a great writer, I love love love her apartment especially her sofa, she’s brave, confident and I think she has a wickedly dry sense of humor. I think I would like to be friends with her.

Kenya (Housewives of Atlanta) because she is brutally honest, cuckoo, transparent and I like when she twirls out of a room like a lunatic.

Mama Joyce (Housewives of Atlanta) because she is both the best and worst mother. A pure joy to watch this train wreck especially when she takes off her shoe at a bridal salon and tries to hit Candy’s best friend.

Bethany (Housewives of New York) because she fucking made it happen… On her own. She might be my favorite housewife because she is cool, a good dresser, smart, a hard worker, has real emotions, a great mother and I love that she wasn’t afraid to get a divorce and it puts a big fat smile on my face to know that she is now richer than all of the other nouveau riche housewives that treated her like the servant. In your face, Jill Zarin.

Heather Dubrow (Housewives of Orange County) because she is educated, has a great vocabulary and knows how to use it, is a good mother even though that little one Colette is out of control, she is always appropriate, well mannered, evolved, aware, sure of herself, can recognize her own flaws, and most of all I like her because I love love loved her house and I am so looking forward to her new house.

 Now that I have finished being nice, there is always the other side of the coin. Next up is a little list of the housewives whose behavior makes me cringe and that I pity because they are such morons… But they are my favorite to watch.

 

I don't like...

Teresa (Housewives of New Jersey) because she is a liar, a phony, two-faced, uneducated, married to a buffoon, dishonest, abuses the spray tan and as tacky as all get go. She deserves to go to jail. I do, however, feel bad for her children but sometimes things have to get worse before they get better. She actually needs a rebirth.

Tamara (Housewives of Orange County) because she is total white trash, impulsive, filled with rage, completely phony and fake cries, will lie right to your face, and makes bad judgments.

Nini Leakes (Housewives of Atlanta) because it is a clear case of money and quasi-fame going to one’s head. She brags about how much money she has and acts as if her million dollars is $1 billion. Does she not realize that I still see that she lives in a prefabricated brick home in a cheap gated community? It’s embarrassing when your purse has more value than your house. I will say however, I think she is a good mother and a good wife.

Vicki (Housewives of Orange County) because she is typical Orange County. Tacky tacky tacky. Tacky clothes, tacky shoes, tacky jewelry. She has a grotto for a pool. The barbecue is the focus of her backyard. She has huge arrangements of silk flowers in her house. She has no class, no elegance, is disrespectful, is loud and I think she has a bully and a member of the Mean Girls Club. She might be the president, actually no, she would be the treasurer. However, I respect her work ethic.

Ramona (Housewives of New York) is the housewife that makes me cringe the most. She is a loose cannon, crazy eyed, can dish it out but not take it, has no decency, inappropriate, doesn’t seem like she would ever donate to charity, gets slushy drunk, I don’t know how she makes money from that crappy jewelry she sells, and is kind of violent. I will say, however, that I think she is a good mother and has raised a sweet daughter.

Carlton (Housewives of Beverly Hills) because oh my God. I almost got physically nauseous watching her adult themed orgy party complete with pole dancing entertainment. Really Carlton, you are a Wiccan? Did you say that out loud and are you aware of how stupid that sounds? I hate when people try to overly be outside of the box. It is so obvious that she is trying to get attention by naming her children these ridiculous names... Destiny, Mystery and Cross. It is so annoying and I have decided to change her children’s names to Kathryn, Ava and Pierre. Her house? Don’t even get me started… Too late. It is a burgundy brothel house of horrors. She is trying to make her husband into a macho, Chrome Hearts jewelry wearing, tattooed, sex fiend but is actually just a nice Jewish boy. She’s also too muscular, it’s not ladylike. However, I do think she’s a good mother when she’s not trying to make out with the children’s nanny.

See? I told you I’ve watched every one of them. I also watched Housewives of Miami and DC but they don’t count. Do you want to hear the worst of this? Since I live in Paris and I have no access to American TV, I actually buy these episodes of the Housewives on iTunes. It is my guilty pleasure. Whenever I speak to Yolanda, I always beg her to please, just please slap someone. I won’t say anything about Taylor (Housewives of Beverly Hills) or Kim Richards (Housewives of Beverly Hills) because it is not my style to prey on the weak. Oops, I just did. As you know, I am not a fan of “victims.”

Looking forward, I do have a favorite new reality show. It’s called, Chrisley Knows Best. Is it about a wealthy family in Atlanta whose household is run by my parenting doppelgänger, patriarch Todd Chrisley. He is hysterical and a true father, husband and family man. I love how he puts GPS on his children and how he throws their cell phones into the lake and calls them morons and doesn’t trust them as far as he can throw them but loves them with every inch of his heart. And, I love love love their house. I love all the fabrics, wallpaper, bedding and closets. I can’t tell if he is gay. It’s like he is, but isn’t.

 

Okay, I’ll shut up now. Sorry about the weird disjointed blog today… I might be off my meds or on them… I can’t tell the difference anymore.