Well, holy moly, I am certainly impressed. I am impressed by
everyone who left comments on yesterday’s blog to help that reader. See? See
how amazing women are? You all took the time out of your lives to help another
woman. That’s why the female race is superior. Don’t argue with me, it’s true.
I hope this woman takes our advice and frees herself but we need to remember
that “You can lead a camel to water but you can’t make him drink.” We have done
our part by offering advice and if this woman really wants help, she will act
on our advice. Bravo everyone.
Don’t worry, we’re still going to talk about Halloween
today, but I want to tell everyone something. In all of the emails and comments
that I received from the readers, you all say how brave I am and how courageous
I am etc. etc. etc. Here’s the thing…. I am not. I am the furthest thing from
brave and the furthest thing from courageous. I am scared every morning when I
wake up until I go to sleep. I worry about everything. I stress, I panic and I
worry.
My main concern is obviously my daughter. I worry that after
I pass away no one will care for her like I do. She is only 19 years old. Who
is going to baby her, who will understand her like I do, who will she go to
when she needs help, who is going to take her shopping, who is going to watch
Modern Family with her, who is going to help her pick out her wedding dress,
who is going to spoil her children like a grandmother would, who is going to be
me? Who is going to me? I don’t have these answers and it scares me to death.
My second worry is always my immediate health. I could be
having a perfectly normal day and then boom! I choke on my own saliva (gross)
and nearly die. I nearly die every single day. Yesterday, the caregivers almost
dropped me three times. Today, the nurse almost ripped out my feeding tube. My
diaphragm pacer is slightly red and now I think I have to go to the hospital.
Sometimes I can breathe, sometimes I can’t and all day I worry. I’m not a
hypochondriac, all of this shit is real. Thank you all for your compliments but
I am not brave and I’m not courageous, I am just me. Sometimes I think I am the
perfect person to get ALS because I can handle it but sometimes I think I am the
worst person to get ALS because I’m such a scaredy-cat. I’m scared my
caregivers are going to accidentally lock themselves out of the apartment and I
am stuck, I’m scared they are going to poison me, sometimes I’m scared they are
going to kidnap me, I’m scared when the nurses change my bandages (I scream in
French, “don’t touch me.”) and they think I’m crazy. I’m scared my wheelchair
wheels are going to get stuck in the cobblestone streets of Paris and I am
going to go flying forward and smash my moneymaker. :-) I am afraid when we
take a walk on the crowded streets of Paris that some idiot is going to burn me
with their cigarette. I am pretty sure every day I’m going into cardiac arrest.
Are you getting the picture now about how not brave and how not courageous I
am. I am a big fat baby but thank you for thinking otherwise.
Okay, now that we
have that cleared up let’s get back to Halloween…
This is the last installment of my Halloween tirade because
I’m boring myself with all of it…
Let’s take a step back today and admire the
Halloweens of the past...
*Something you don’t know about me? I am 100% obsessed with
reality TV. Other than news programs (BBC, CNN, Jon Stewart and Bill Maher) the
only television I watch is reality TV. I have watched every single episode of
every single Real Housewives. If Andy Cohen, the producer of the Real
Housewives, ever got sick I could step in and host his show about the
housewives, Watch What Happens Live!,
in a blink of the eye. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that I like the
housewives in person. Most of them are totally trash but those are the ones I
like to watch the most. I will admit that there are some housewives that I do
like...
I like…
Shannon (Housewives of Orange County) because she is
intelligent, neurotic, spot on and I really like her house.
Carolyn Manzo (Housewives of New Jersey) because she is
wise, a good wife and a good mother but I hate her house. So suburban and I
think she might be a hoarder.
Yolanda H Foster (Housewives of Beverly Hills) because she
is one of my best friends for the past 12 years and because she is blunt,
honest (even if the truth hurts) and one of the best mothers I’ve ever seen and
she dresses really well. Yolanda is your friend because she wants to be not
because she has to be. If she hates you, you’ll know it. She also has a great
sense of humor.
Lisa Vanderpump (Housewives of Beverly Hills) because she is
a hard worker, she’s not stupid, she’s diplomatic, speaks fluent French, is a
good mother and wife and I love love love her house.
Brandy (Housewives of Beverly Hills) because I have realized
that she is actually a girl’s girl and she is sensitive.
Carol Radziwell (Housewives of New York) because she is a great
writer, I love love love her apartment especially her sofa, she’s brave,
confident and I think she has a wickedly dry sense of humor. I think I would
like to be friends with her.
Kenya (Housewives of Atlanta) because she is brutally
honest, cuckoo, transparent and I like when she twirls out of a room like a
lunatic.
Mama Joyce (Housewives of Atlanta) because she is both the
best and worst mother. A pure joy to watch this train wreck especially when she
takes off her shoe at a bridal salon and tries to hit Candy’s best friend.
Bethany (Housewives of New York) because she fucking made it
happen… On her own. She might be my favorite housewife because she is cool, a
good dresser, smart, a hard worker, has real emotions, a great mother and I
love that she wasn’t afraid to get a divorce and it puts a big fat smile on my
face to know that she is now richer than all of the other nouveau riche
housewives that treated her like the servant. In your face, Jill Zarin.
Heather Dubrow (Housewives of Orange County) because she is
educated, has a great vocabulary and knows how to use it, is a good mother even
though that little one Colette is out of control, she is always appropriate,
well mannered, evolved, aware, sure of herself, can recognize her own flaws,
and most of all I like her because I love love loved her house and I am so
looking forward to her new house.
Teresa (Housewives of New Jersey) because she is a liar, a
phony, two-faced, uneducated, married to a buffoon, dishonest, abuses the spray
tan and as tacky as all get go. She deserves to go to jail. I do, however, feel
bad for her children but sometimes things have to get worse before they get
better. She actually needs a rebirth.
Tamara (Housewives of Orange County) because she is total
white trash, impulsive, filled with rage, completely phony and fake cries, will
lie right to your face, and makes bad judgments.
Nini Leakes (Housewives of Atlanta) because it is a clear
case of money and quasi-fame going to one’s head. She brags about how much
money she has and acts as if her million dollars is $1 billion. Does she not
realize that I still see that she lives in a prefabricated brick home in a
cheap gated community? It’s embarrassing when your purse has more value than
your house. I will say however, I think she is a good mother and a good wife.
Vicki (Housewives of Orange County) because she is typical
Orange County. Tacky tacky tacky. Tacky clothes, tacky shoes, tacky jewelry.
She has a grotto for a pool. The barbecue is the focus of her backyard. She has
huge arrangements of silk flowers in her house. She has no class, no elegance,
is disrespectful, is loud and I think she has a bully and a member of the Mean
Girls Club. She might be the president, actually no, she would be the
treasurer. However, I respect her work ethic.
Ramona (Housewives of New York) is the housewife that makes
me cringe the most. She is a loose cannon, crazy eyed, can dish it out but not
take it, has no decency, inappropriate, doesn’t seem like she would ever donate
to charity, gets slushy drunk, I don’t know how she makes money from that
crappy jewelry she sells, and is kind of violent. I will say, however, that I
think she is a good mother and has raised a sweet daughter.
Carlton (Housewives of Beverly Hills) because oh my God. I
almost got physically nauseous watching her adult themed orgy party complete
with pole dancing entertainment. Really Carlton, you are a Wiccan? Did you say
that out loud and are you aware of how stupid that sounds? I hate when people
try to overly be outside of the box. It is so obvious that she is trying to get
attention by naming her children these ridiculous names... Destiny, Mystery and
Cross. It is so annoying and I have decided to change her children’s names to
Kathryn, Ava and Pierre. Her house? Don’t even get me started… Too late. It is
a burgundy brothel house of horrors. She is trying to make her husband into a
macho, Chrome Hearts jewelry wearing, tattooed, sex fiend but is actually just
a nice Jewish boy. She’s also too muscular, it’s not ladylike. However, I do
think she’s a good mother when she’s not trying to make out with the children’s
nanny.
See? I told you I’ve watched every one of them. I also
watched Housewives of Miami and DC but they don’t count. Do you want to hear
the worst of this? Since I live in Paris and I have no access to American TV, I
actually buy these episodes of the
Housewives on iTunes. It is my guilty pleasure. Whenever I speak to Yolanda, I
always beg her to please, just please slap someone. I won’t say anything about
Taylor (Housewives of Beverly Hills) or Kim Richards (Housewives of Beverly
Hills) because it is not my style to prey on the weak. Oops, I just did. As you
know, I am not a fan of “victims.”
Looking forward, I do have a favorite new reality show. It’s
called, Chrisley Knows Best. Is it
about a wealthy family in Atlanta whose household is run by my parenting
doppelgänger, patriarch Todd Chrisley. He is hysterical and a true father,
husband and family man. I love how he puts GPS on his children and how he
throws their cell phones into the lake and calls them morons and doesn’t trust
them as far as he can throw them but loves them with every inch of his heart.
And, I love love love their house. I love all the fabrics, wallpaper, bedding
and closets. I can’t tell if he is gay. It’s like he is, but isn’t.
