Roses and Thorns
Where the fuck do I start? Just when I thought that I was edging towards a peaceful week, a storm arrived... A shit storm.
I wasn't going to share all of the gory details with you but as you know, I tell it like it is... Roses and thorns. So, here goes...
My health is at such a perilous state that I was forced to make some decisions... Ugly decisions. Just like a pregnant lady's birth plan, I have to have a "death plan." This is the tragic part of ALS. I have to get in front of the inevitable. I made a deal with myself from the first week that I was diagnosed with ALS... I committed myself to go the distance with bravery, honesty and tad bit of dignity. However, I also made a deal with myself that if this disease got to a point that I became a burden and lost my dignity then I would bow out. This is where we are at, my friends. I have quite literally, had enough.
David and I have rented a friend's apartment in Paris in the garden of the Palais Royal. I am here to rest, gather my thoughts and wits and, as they say, "Get my affairs in order." This garden also happens to be where I will have my ashes spread "after." So, as I sit here looking out of the window towards the garden, I don't know if it's comforting or horryfying that I am gazing at my own "final resting place."
Don't start crying yet, this could take a few months. I still have some work to do.
First and foremost, Grace. What to do about Grace? There are no answers to this question. There is no preparation adequate enough to remedy a mother's death. That's just a plain fact. There are no solutions good enough. All I can do is love her. These past few weeks have been brutal with Grace. Bad behavior has become our new normal, unfortunately. Grace and I are caught in the middle of a storm that won't stop and we both do not know how to weather this one. She is acting like a brat and I, in turn, am acting like a lunatic. The "How to Behave Properly" guidebook was apparently lost in our move from the states to Paris. Gracie and I have had some serious Come To Jesus Moments these past few weeks. Neither of us have come up smelling like roses.
My best friend, Yolanda, and I have had daily conversations about the reality of being sick, super sick. We have marveled at the side effects of terminal illnesses... The behavior of others. It is filled with roses and thorns. Just this past week I have been betrayed by my sister, my mother, my insignigficant father, Gracie's father and one of my closest friends. This is the thorn of getting weaker at the end... The wolves start sniffing around and when you are at your weakest, the wolves attack. #NeverLetYourGuardDown
On the flip side, roses emerge in the form of a cherished friend, Mer, who showed up in Paris with hugs and alcohol.
My friend, Diandra, and I have had deep conversations about coming to terms with what is worth caring about and what is not worth caring about because in the end, the only thing that is important is how to leave this world a better place than you found it. I plan on doing that after seeking some revenge on those who deserve it... #IamNotThatEvolved
So, this brings us to today...
As I wait for the dust to settle, my day is consumed with very important activities...
Watching every episode of Broad City
Eating boxes upon boxes of chocolates
Calling all of my friends to tell them that I love them
Watching the ghosts of the Palais Royal walk around (I can see them)
Finishing my book (It will be ready next week)
Firing off nasty emails to those who deserve it
Sourcing the best Thai Coconut Lemongrass soup in Paris (it's the only thing I can fucking eat)
Apologizing to David for every rude comment that I may or may not have said to him
Going to my favorite church and telling God that I am ready
Washing my hair (It's been a month)
Knocking some sense into Gracie
Start drinking and doing drugs because why not?
Laughing a lot, wearing pretty pajama, using all of my good perfume, listening to my favorite music, crying like a fat kid, lighting all the good candles, eating fried chicken, spending too much money on flowers and...
Spending every day like it is my last... Because it is.