It’s painful for me to write about my daughter, Gracie, considering our “predicament.” If I even barely open the door for thought, I will crumble. I can handle everything regarding ALS…but that. However, considering today is her birthday, her 19th birthday, a day that I did not think I would see, I thought maybe I would share Gracie with you.
Gracie was born a great big fat baby. She was basically a 10
pound toddler the first day of her life. She would gorge herself on milk and
then power vomit. Baby bulimia? She was all rolls and blubber. Her little feet
were so puffy that it looked like I had injected them with silicone. She had
like five chins. She was the cutest thing I had ever seen. Like a baby doll. I started
to question my choice of the name Grace, though. Could this fatso represent the
name? It’s such an elegant name. Grace and cankles don’t really go together.
Luckily, her fat phase faded and she has been an elegant swan ever since.
Little did I know, stupid me, or maybe I did know that the name Grace was the
most fitting name ever imagined for this little butterball.
Gracie is the same person now as a young adult as she was when she was little. Reserved. That is the perfect word for her. Reserved. Literally, the complete opposite of me and Celine Dion. Gracie does not like to make waves or have any focus on herself. After two weeks of her summer job this summer, she received a promotion with more responsibility. I asked her if she asked for a raise. Her response was, “No, that would be rude.” She has never gossiped (boring) or been involved in any sort of confrontation with a friend. Never. She has the same friends since elementary school and makes new friends easily. Gracie is kind, supportive, giving and present towards her friends. She minds her own business and never judges. Even if she doesn’t know it, I think her motto might be: To Each Their Own. She is not a big fan of taking “selfies” and for that, I commend her.
I promise you, I can take no credit for this. This is who she is. This is how she was born. This is her character. In having this type of child, my job has been harder as her mother. She is sensitive and delicate. If I even look at her funny, she will have tears in her eyes. I have spent the last 19 years defending Gracie’s shyness. Don’t get me wrong, Gracie is no shrinking violet. She will absolutely stand her ground, but very passively. Sometimes Gracie’s character can be judged incorrectly. I don’t know how many times I’ve told her, “Your shyness turns to rudeness.” She is not very forthcoming because if Gracie were to express her feelings… It might destroy her.
Grace is intelligent, funny, witty, cultured, well read,
independent, honest, responsible, upstanding, loves animals and children and
has a moral compass that would make us mortals blush. She has never thrown a
fit, slammed a door, pouted, or yelled. Wait, she did throw a fit once at the
polo field in Santa Barbara because she wanted to change her dress…for the
third time. She has conducted herself as a lady...almost her whole
entire life. She’s always been extremely feminine…loves makeup, jewelry, nail
polish, and fashion. She carried a purse to kindergarten with 42 lipsticks and
a passport. She wants to receive her degree in art history and work at Vogue.
Now, don’t get me wrong, Grace can be a bit of a bitch… But
only to me. She rolls her eyes at me, huffs at me, tells me I'm most likely
undiagnosed bipolar, embarrassing, rude, not funny, loud, self-centered, and
hates my hair, my blog, my decorating, my style, my shoes, my shirts, my hats,
my makeup, my perfume, and my jewelry. Oddly, she wears my shoes, my shirts, my
hats, my makeup, my perfume and my jewelry on a daily basis and asked me to
decorate her apartment. Sometimes she will not answer my 250th phone
call of the day. How rude! Sometimes I think that she is separating herself
from me before the inevitable. This is been a sore spot for us. One day, last
year, I was pushing her and pushing her to talk to me about her feelings. She
just sat there, stoic. Then finally she burst out crying and confessed to me,
“Do you know how hard it is to have my mother unable to put her arms around me
and hug me?” I saw a pain so deep and foreign that it terrified me and I
finally understood that my way of coping is not necessarily Gracie’s way of
coping. We both decided that day that we were not going to open this wound, and
that we would get through this way our way…through denial and laughter.
What kind of mother have I been? Let me see… The word overprotective comes to mind. I admit it and I don’t care. Gracie had a fever once of 100° and I called the ambulance. The ambulance! She has only needed a Band-Aid once in her life, and we still talk about that “horrible” day. When she suggested that she be homeschooled in Paris, I was thrilled because I knew I would get to have lunch with her every day. I still check on her at night when she is sleeping to make sure she’s breathing. Now that she is older, I still call her every day and remind her to take her birth control pill, not talk to strangers, stand up straight, read a book and budget her money. Her polite response? “Shut up.” Poor Gracie, I followed her to college, for God’s sake. My friend Yolanda always tells me that I need to let her fly out of the nest. I know that Yolanda is right and I will let Gracie fly but I will be flapping my wings as long as I can right behind her.
My heart is broken. It can never be mended. It’s not about me. It’s about Grace. The thought of Gracie going through life without me makes me lose my faith. My faith in everything… Religion, humanity, medicine, etc. The only solace that I have is that I know I have raised a strong girl. I have told her over and over to go forward…boldly go forward. My demise does not define her and will not obstruct her future. I have also told her with absolute certainty that it is imperative after I pass away that she calls Teresa, the Long Island Medium, for a reading and I will absolutely “come through.” And I will most likely tell her that she needs to iron her shirt. We have already discussed our secret word so that she will know it’s really me. She looks at me like I’m crazy, but she will thank me later.
Wow!
ReplyDeleteThat was so beautiful. You are so lucky to have each other. Love is eternal and Grace will always know how much she is loved. I'm sure she would rather have you as her Mother for the time you are together than a longer time with anyone else.Bless you both,Katrina x
ReplyDeleteYou have shared with the world Grace in so many ways. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteI love this post and hope I have that special relationship with my daughter as she grows up. Happy Birthday to your sweet girl!
ReplyDeleteLaughing and crying, admiring your observations and fierce love. What a beautiful name, daughter and mother.
ReplyDeleteWow. This bought years to my eyes and made me laugh at the same time. Great writing and also soooo sentimental.
ReplyDeleteWhat a living DOLL, and I rolled my eyes @ my adorable mom too or stomped to my bedroom…..she endured far to much! merci for this share ~ xo
ReplyDelete*speechless*
ReplyDeleteI feel the same way about my daughter, whose middle name is grace. Her first name is Sachiko , and of course , she is not Japanese. But I loved all things japanese when pregnant with her. So, I live with multiple myeloma, knowing also, I won't be there to see grand kids, or? My son , born 9 years later is a wonderful young man, smart, honest, handsome. He too has had to live with all my treatments, etc,. I know how you feel.
ReplyDeleteWow that was sooo beautiful to read. Thank you for sharing your life with me. I have two teenager daughters too so I can relate. You are an
ReplyDeleteA-mazing writer. You just gave me a beautiful gift today reading this. Xxxxx Jennifer in Boise Idaho
Thank you. I love my daughter without bounds. You are reminding me to hug much more often and passionately and without fear. Happy Belated Birthday, Gracie. xoxo Mary
ReplyDeleteBeyond words!
ReplyDeleteBeautiful post. Your Gracie is a gorgeous gift, so pretty and I love her eyes.
ReplyDeleteMy oldest daughter turned 20 yesterday, born the same year as Gracie. My youngest will be 13 this year. I'm praying that you have maximum time with your darling...and you are obviously a fantastic Mum. xox